


a million little pieces.

by CallicoKitten



Category: Amazing Spider-Man (2012), Captain America (2011), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bullying, F/M, Hipsters, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Maybe murder, Recreational Drug Use, References to Suicide, idk where this is going
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-15
Updated: 2013-12-30
Packaged: 2017-11-10 01:25:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 32,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/460685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallicoKitten/pseuds/CallicoKitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They're all messed up, everyone of them, but they've always been able to pull each other through, none of them are going down with out a fight and one day they'll be free of all this crap.</p><p>Then one day, after a fight at home, Loki disappears. His car is found abandoned by nearby bridge and Tony Stark, seventeen year old prodigy who may or may not be in love with aforementioned missing person, thinks it can't get any worse.</p><p>Then all hell breaks loose.</p><p>[Currently undergoing edits]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tony

**Author's Note:**

> One day I will write something not dripping in angst but today is not that day. 
> 
> I'm not entirely sure where this'll end up, or how long it'll be or who'll end up together so let's just dive blindly in to it. I have no real idea of how the American child services, justice system or schools run (I'm British) so I'm going on knowledge garnered from TV shows, if anyone wants to beta read and help me out with it drop me a comment :D
> 
> Possibly each chapter will be from a different P.o.V but Tony's will be the main thingy.
> 
> Oh. The angst. 
> 
> Unbeta'd.

Bucky kisses like he’s drowning and Tony thinks he just might be.

He knows Bucky’s only pressed against him in Clint’s tree house because his best friend Steve ‘Captain America’ Rogers is straight _as_ and currently dating Peggy Carter (who scares Tony almost as much as Tasha does). And Tony’s only _letting_ him do this because being in lo- because crushing on your best friend is just plain _wrong_. (Factor in aforementioned best friend's giant of a brother and you've got a classic no-go.)

Now, don’t get him wrong, Tony’s a ‘rules-are-there-to-be-thrown-against-the-wall-and-then-crushed-into-dust’ kinda guy but this one’s iffy. Thor’s a good (muscular) guy (who could definitely snap Tony in two.) He's dim, but he's a good guy and Loki’s well...Loki. It’s complicated and Tony really doesn’t want to think about it right now but then Bucky presses closer to him and bites down on his lip he can’t help imagining how Loki would _tastefeelsound_.

Maybe Tony’s drowning too.

He’s just slipping his hand in to Bucky’s jeans, making the older boy gasp and moan against his mouth when his phone rings. They spring apart like kids caught with their hands in the cookie jar and Tony laughs nervously as he reaches for the mobile.

It’s Thor.

“Hey, what’s up big guy?” Tony says and Bucky narrows his eyes. Thor doesn’t usually talk to Tony; they’re sort of two different groups that overlap a little. There’s Steve’s group; Thor, Bucky, Peggy and Steve’s other buddies that sort of blur in to one for Tony then there’s his group; Bruce, Peter, Tasha, Clint and Loki. 

As soon as Thor speaks Tony knows there’s something wrong, something _horribly_ wrong. “Stark? Is my brother with you?”

Tony’s blood runs cold. “No, why?”

Thor makes this sound that Tony’s pretty sure he’ll remember for the rest of his life. It’s this muted _howl_ that completely shatters Tony’s heart (and ear drums) and all Tony can think to do afterwards is croak, “So not good then?”

*******

There are two things that Tony Stark has learnt about himself throughout his seventeen years of life: the first is that he’s not one to do things by halves.

Case in point: he’s not only gotten himself kicked out of the insanely posh boarding school his dad had picked out for him, he’s gotten himself kicked out of _every_ posh boarding school his dad’s ever been able to buy him in to. On top of that he’s managed to completely ruin his parent’s marriage (and _yes,_ he is just messed up enough to take credit for that.) Now, it’s not that he doesn’t love his parents, he totally does, just not together because _Jesus Christ._ Tony knows couples are meant to fight but _God_ , having Howard and Maria Stark in a room together was a hundred times more painful than listening to those British boy bands on repeat that Pepper loved. 

And anyway, it wasn’t exactly intentional. He’d simply been hacking around for some interesting images of the head mistress to slip in to her next assembly when he’d found some highly traumatic emails between her and his father. Turned out they’d been having an affair for years. He’d tried to keep it quiet, really he had, but it wasn’t that easy and he’d let it slip to Pepper and Happy had overheard and well, the rest as they say and all that jazz.

Long story short his mom had served his dad so quickly Tony was pretty sure the paper’s had left scorch marks on the table and honestly, he wasn’t too bothered by this. His parents were _way_ happier without each other so Tony was looking forward to two rooms, two birthdays, two Christmases because hey, gotta make lemonade right? 

But then it all went horribly wrong as it always does because the second thing Tony’s learnt about himself is that whatever he does will _always_ backfire spectacularly and result in something horrifying. (Seriously, he baked cookies with his mom once and brought them to class and half of them came down with some seriously awful food poisoning and don’t even get him started on that time he helped that old lady across the street.) So after the divorce was finalized and Tony was all psyched up to help his mom pick out a new house she announced she’d been sleeping with Obi for the past few years and they ran off together to some tiny island with a name Tony couldn’t pronounce. It made for some very bad press for daddio’s company and lots of people were interviewed on TV about how disgraceful it was and how marriage meant nothing anymore and blah, blah, blah. It was all very traumatic.

So anyway, that’s how two years ago, Tony found himself at this totally non-exclusive high school in Malibu, a world away from his old home in New York and Pepper and Happy and Rhodey with only his sullen father for company. 

That’s also how he got in to this whole mess. The mess being screwing one of his friends and finding himself in love with quite possibly the most confusing (and godamned attractive) guys he’s ever met (who was now missing).

They find Loki’s car by a bridge. It’s empty and Tony feels like the world ending, a kaleidoscope of scenarios running through his mind and none of them good. 

But the world doesn’t stop turning, that's the weirdest thing. Life goes on for everyone else - Loki's just a piece of gossip, a whisper along school corridors, a photo on the news. Tony bunks off school for a few days and Clint, Bruce, Peter and Tasha hole up at his and watch Loki’s favourite movies, Loki’s favourite shows. They spend a lot of time searching for him to, they put up posters, Tony hacks into a load of websites and with Peter’s help they create a viral video to spread the word but nothing works. No one comes back with valid sightings. 

It's big news story, the youngest child of a wealthy, powerful man like Odin running away, abandoning his car. There are whispers around the city that Odin killed him in an argument, that Loki killed himself but Tony’s brain just can’t marry the words ‘Loki’ and ‘dead’ together so he mostly pretends he doesn’t hear them. Missing is safe. Runaway. Vanished. But not dead. Never dead. “We’ll find him guys, we’ll find him,” he says. (It sounds hollow in his ears, feels thick and unattainable in his mouth.

None of them want to talk about why he’s gone too much.

_Just find him first. Focus on that._

After three days Howard and their other collective parents, start getting snappy and they go back school.

When they walk in (altogether, always together) the whole school seems to stop and stare and whispers follow them all through the corridors. Bruce ducks his head, shying away, Clint and Tasha meet the whole thing with ‘fuck-you’ stares, Peter acts like their world isn’t crumbling and Tony, well Tony just tries to get through the day without punching someone.

By lunchtime both Clint and Tasha have been sent to the Principal’s office for decking students who used the words ‘suicide’, ‘emo’ or ‘freak’ to describe Loki so it’s just him, Bruce and Peter around their usual bench. They’re sitting in silence and there’s still this part of Tony that's expecting Loki to slink around the corner and grin and-

_God, Stark, get it together._

“Thor’s still not back at school,” Peter says conversationally. He's picking at a hole in his jeans, camera lying unused on the table before them. Tony's taken to measuring how upset Peter is by how he interacts with camera, usually they can't tear him away from the thing. Tony's not seen him this upset since Uncle Ben.

Tony doesn't really want to deal with this right now so he tries and fails to think of a snarky comment but even he knows that there is a time and a place (and usually that time is always and that place is wherever the hell he pleases but not today.) Luckily he’s saved from trying to come up with an appropriate response to Peter’s comment by Steve Rogers appearing by their table. He’s flanked by Bucky (who glances nervously at Tony and then stares fixedly at the ground _seriously_ , Tony wishes the guy could just grow a pair because legend has it once he was once the guy who protected frail little Steve Rogers from the bullies but now Steve’s only out muscled by Thor he’s sort of just lost himself and it’s _sad_ ) and Peggy who’s watching them all with her dark, calculating gaze.

Steve’s eyes are shining with what can only be described as sincerity and Tony inwardly rolls his eyes. He hates Steve Rogers. Always has done always will. Steve's the kinda guy who makes girls _swoon_ and seriously, who swoons in this day and age? He's athletic, fairly clever, brave, confident, kind, helpful (he’s a motherfucking _hall monitor_ for chrissakes). _Loki hated him, Loki thought he was so fake_. But most of all Steve likes ruining Tony’s fun (stopping him sneaking alcohol into school, stops him and Clint stealing shit, stops him and Loki bunking class) the only people in their group he hasn’t pissed off are Tasha and Bruce. Sometimes Tony wonders if it is all an act. Or if Steve is really just the moral high ground that no one else could ever reach. 

“I’m really sorry about-about what’s happened to Loki,” Steve says and Peter inclines his head.

“Thanks man,” he says, running a hand through his messy hair. “And you guys are Thor’s friends, right? You must be hurting a bit too.” Tony wants to growl at Peter but Bruce kicks him in the shins and gives him a pointed look. 

“Yeah,” Steve says, rubbing his neck. “It’s just a shock, you know?”

There’s this awkward moment where they talk about Loki and Tony sort of zones out _this people didn’t know Loki, they didn’t know his eyes got darker when he was sad, they didn’t know he was ticklish or that he owned every series of Doctor Who on DVD or that he kept a stash of romance novels under his bed._ They leave and Tony forces himself to smile, ignores the look Bucky gives him full of _why haven’t you talked to me, Stark_ and goes through the rest of the day on auto-pilot.

Later, he’s sprawled in Clint’s tree house with Bruce doing homework (yes, occasionally he does it if only to correct the teachers errors) waiting for Clint to get back with pizza. Tasha’s off doing whatever she does when she’s not with them and Peter’s off doing Gwen. Ahem, Peter’s off _with_ Gwen, Tony totally doesn’t believe Peter’s defiling the police chief’s daughter and he’s not picturing it in his head. (He’s also not mentally filling in Loki’s parts in his conversation with Bruce.)

“You know,” Bruce says as he folds his chemistry homework neatly away. “If you don’t start doing something other than writing snarky comments on your work you’re gonna fail.” 

Tony flashes him a grin finishes his comment on their teacher’s pointless questions and says, “Hell, Bruce, I’m the only heir to a multi-billion dollar company. Who needs a diploma?” And Bruce grins and shakes his head. There’s a bruise on Bruce’s forehead, another one on his wrist, Tony wants to ask (he already knows, he’s seen the way Bruce flinches when his Dad so much as looks at him) but it’s usually Tasha who handles this. He bites back his question because Bruce looks at him and _knows_ and looks away quickly.

The tree house has become Tony’s second home. They built it together the summer he arrived, he remembers every second of it (especially Loki running home to fetch Thor to help them lift everything despite Clint’s instance that he could do it himself which resulted in a broken foot) It’s their safe room and it’s sure as hell the most high-tech tree house around, waterproof, sturdy, protected by automatic looks with face recognition software (okay, so maybe Tony overdid it with that one) They’d decorated the walls with loads of Peter’s stupid photos and posters and silly doodles. The amount of times he’s run here in the middle of the night to escape his father’s drunken rants only to find a bruised Bruce or Clint, or a sniffling Loki or once or twice a despondent Tasha or an angry Peter. They’d come here every night since Loki vanished, slept in sleeping bags and hoped he’d turn up.

He never did, though.

“Wonder where Clint’s gotten to with our food,” Bruce mumbles.

“Probably trying and failing to chat up the delivery girl or something,” Tony says, standing up to peer out of the window he catches sight of Peter hurrying down the street towards Clint’s garden. “Heads up, here comes Peter.” Bruce frowns because usually when Peter’s with Gwen after school he stays there (or she stays at his) until his Aunt May insists he come home (or that he walks Gwen home) Tony likes Aunt May. 

Peter scrambles up the later and crashes inelegantly through the door. “Guys, guys, this is bad, this is _really, really_ bad.”

“Loki?” Bruce asks voice slightly shaky.

Peter’s breathing heavily and Tony’s chest does this funny constricting thing. When Peter’s eyes meet his he knows Bruce is right. “Jesus, Peter,” Tony says trying to keep his voice steady. “What happened?”

“I was at Gwen’s,” he pants, “Her dad called. They’ve arrested Mr Odinson, guys. They think he killed Loki.”

The world slows down and the words echo through Tony’s mind, imprinting on his brain. _They think he killed Loki. Loki might be dead. Loki might have been killed._

He’s seen Loki cry, he’s heard Loki scream in pain (that time they crashed one of Howard’s cars and Loki got cut up real bad and pinned between the crushed metal and the seat) he’s heard Loki plead for help (times he doesn’t want to think about) His mind replays each memory, overlaying them and knitting together an image of Odin standing over his crying son, knifebatfistaxegun raised. (Or maybe Loki didn't cry - maybe Loki didn't want to give Odin the satisfaction of seeing how scared he was. Maybe he stared back defiantly, knowing what was about to happen. Maybe that's worse.)

He closes his eyes, tries to quell the nausea building in his stomach, _no, can’t be true, won’t be true._

“What about Thor?” Bruce is asking. “What about their mother?”

Tony opens his eyes. Loki's mother wouldn't let Odin touch her son. Tony knows that much. Peter’s face is grim. “Don’t know about his mother but Thor protested, hit an officer apparently. He’s been taken in too.”

“ _Fuck,”_ Tony whispers because seriously, _fuck._

The tree house door swings open abruptly, making all three of them jump; Clint appears all smiles and haphazard pizza boxes. He glances around at their pale faces, “What’d I miss?”

And Bruce says, “We need to call Tasha.”


	2. Tony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They stay up till 2am talking about where Loki could be, why Loki could have left and one by one they fall asleep until Tony’s left staring at the ceiling and trying to shift Peter off of his feet without waking him. He’s not sure how the others are sleeping, he knows he couldn’t; not with the images of Loki broken, Loki bleeding, Loki cold and still and stiff and-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, been super busy!
> 
> Next chapter's almost done though, and it's Thor centric.
> 
> End of the chapter notes for rambly explanations :)
> 
> EDIT: reposted, cleaned up.

Natasha refuses to leave her house, her parents are away for the week or something, so they pack up and head to hers. By the time they get to hers the pizza has gone cold and Clint gazes at it mournfully before she reminds him that microwaves exist and he looks like he might kiss her (he doesn’t which is probably a good move.) Tony feels sort of numb. It's just so _normal._

Tasha sighs and leads them through the house to the surprisingly un-empty kitchen. Tony’s eyes widen a fraction, “ _You._ ”

Bucky, who's sat casually at the kitchen table swallows and does a good job of looking totally nonchalant. (But Tony can tell by the way the corner of his mouth trembles slightly that he's anything but calm.) "Yeah," he says with a frown, "I do live here, you know.”

No, Tony didn’t know. As evidenced by his surprise. 

“Dude, how did you not know that?” Clint says, elbowing past him to get to the microwave.

“I don’t exactly frequent Tasha’s house, Clint.” Tony snaps. In fact he’s pretty sure he’s _never_ been here.

“Even _I_ knew,” Peter adds, helpfully. 

“Leave, James.” Tasha says, fixing him with a glare and adding a stream of Russian that makes him roll his eyes. Then _James_ makes a face and leaves, thundering up the stairs. “He’s my foster brother,” Tasha supplies. “Lived her since he was thirteen.”

Tony didn't even know Bucky was adopted, fostered, whatever. He thinks that's classed as being a bad not-boyfriend but the idea of having _conversations_ about serious things with his fuckbuddy is just way too much to think about right now.

Once the pizza is heated up they head up to Tasha’s room and spread out across it; Bruce and Tasha settle on her bed, Tony and Peter take the low couch in her room and Clint situates himself just out of reach of all of them with the pizza in his lap. For a few moments the only sound in the room is Clint happily munching away and Tony tries (and fails) to psych himself up to talk but seriously, what is he meant to say? _So guys, time to talk about our possibly dea- missing best friend, who wants to start?_ He doesn't think that would go down well.

Luckily, Tasha breaks the silence, “We’ve really got to stop pretending everything is all okay.” She says quietly. “He’s been gone four days, it’s getting serious. We need to talk about what's happening. Did anyone notice something off about that day?”

 _That day._ The last day. Tony hasn't let himself think about that much - not in a big way. 

“He was his usual prissy self at school,” Peter says with a small, fond half-smile. Tony doesn’t like that smile, it reminds him too much of the one Howard has when he talks about Jarvis, their old butler. It makes something twist within him _Loki’s not dead, Loki’s not dead, he’s **not**_.

(He can't be.)

“That’s true,” Bruce agrees softly. “I mean he seemed fine to me. He was actually pretty happy.”

Tony cuts off his brains helpful rendition of some fact he logged away an age ago. Loki _wouldn’t_.

(People who commit suicide often appear in good spirits on the day of their - _no_.)

“Well,” Clint says thickly through a mouthful pizza, “Something must have happened at home, right? Something big. And he ran? I mean, Odin didn’t kill him; that guy was a douche but he loved his kids.”

Tony wants to point out that Odin loved _Thor_ but he knows it's a lie; he’s seen the way Odin looks at his younger son, full of regret and longing and love. It's the same way Howard looks at him in his rare sober moments; Bruce had once called it ‘the universal gaze of father’s who wished they could fix their relationship with their kids.’ 

“Do we know that he didn’t?” Bruce asks quietly, everyone falls silent and turns to him. He fidgets nervously and looks down at his hands. “I mean they must have found something, some kind of evidence or they wouldn’t have...I mean Odin’s not exactly the kind of man you want to get on the bad side of.” His cheeks colour and bows his head.

Again it’s Tasha who breaks the silence. She puts a gentle hand on Bruce’s back, “He wouldn’t, okay? Odin was a dick but he loved Loki, like Clint said.” 

“If he ran away why wouldn’t he have come to the tree house? Or at least called us?” Peter says, drawing his knees up to his chest. “That’s what he usually does.”

“Maybe he needed sometime alone.” 

“Four days is long enough,” Tony mutters. “We need to find him.”

“We will,” Clint says, pushing away the empty pizza boxes.

Peter nods, “We need to talk to Thor, he was the last one to see him, right?” 

“We won’t be able to get into their house though,” Tasha says pensively. “It’ll be taped off as a crime scene now that they’ve accused Odin. I wonder why they did that...”

“I could hack in to the databases and see if I can get anything up,” Tony says and even as he does so he laughs- it’s ridiculous (this whole thing is ridiculous), but the idea that he’ll be hacking in to police databases to investigate Loki’s possible murder (also the fact that he _can_ hack in to police databases and don’t ask why he knows he can, seriously, don’t.)

“That's a start, so any ideas on where he might be then?”

They stay up till 2am talking about where Loki could be, why Loki could have left and one by one they fall asleep until Tony’s left staring at the ceiling and trying to shift Peter off of his feet without waking him. He’s not sure how the others are sleeping, he knows he couldn’t; not with the images of Loki broken, Loki bleeding, Loki cold and still and stiff and-

He can hear Loki’s voice in his head sometimes. That broken plea the younger boy had barely gotten out between his sobs, _Please, Tony, please, I’m tired, I just want to **go-**_

He rolls over, away from the memory and kicks Peter off of him roughly (Peter still manages to sleep through it) and gets up, going to Tasha’s door and padding down the hall. He finds the bathroom without too much trouble and splashes cold water on his face. It doesn’t help much, his head is still a hurricane, a mess of emotions and Loki (and Tony’s never been great with either of those things.) He rifles through the medicine cabinet, wonders how pissed Tasha would be if he decorated her bathroom with shaving foam and sighs.

When he leaves the bathroom he glances around Tasha’s house. Aside from her room there are two others along the corridor, light spills out under one of the doors and Tony assumes its Bucky’s room. He thinks about knocking but that’s never been his style so instead he throws the door open dramatically smirking when Bucky jumps and turns to him with wide blue eyes.

“Fuck, Tony!” he hisses with a sigh of relief, slumping in his desk chair.

“Maybe later,” Tony mumbles, doing his best to smile. “Can I come in?”

Bucky snaps shut the laptop he's sitting at and nods silently; Tony closes the door behind him. Bucky’s room isn’t particularly interesting; there are a few photos of him and his friends, a few of him with girls (which make Tony snigger because to the rest of the world Bucky Barnes is straight and it’s sad and ridiculous all at the same time) a few band posters and clothes strewn around the place. Tony sits awkwardly on the bed and after a few minutes of silence Bucky joins him, watching him cautiously.

“They’ve arrested Thor and Odin,” Tony says as if saying it to someone else will make it sound more real to his own ears. It doesn’t.

Bucky ducks his head awkwardly. “I know. Steve told me.” he says flatly. Then after a few more minutes he swallows and says, “Tony, I’m really, really sorry.”

Tony knows he should say thank you but he doesn’t. He snorts. “It’s not your fault.”

Bucky’s watching him closely and he opens his mouth to say something, probably something about Loki and how it’ll all be okay, and Tony doesn’t want to hear it so he cuts him off. “I didn’t know you were Natasha's brother.” 

Bucky looks thrown for a few seconds and then he says, “Its okay, not like we talk all that much anyway.”

Tony nods, casts around for something else to say and doesn’t find anything; this is probably the longest conversation they've had. There's got to be _something_ else he can say, but then the words slip out before he can catch them and choke them down. “If Loki’s dead I don’t know what I’ll do.” It doesn’t sound broken or desperate, they sound bleak, emotionless, _numb_.

Bucky looks at him, really looks at him and his blue eyes look slightly wet, “Tony, I-“

Tony doesn’t want to talk though so instead he grabs Bucky by his shirt front and kisses him hard. _Another friend’s brother._

“Lie to me,” Tony mumbles against Bucky’s mouth as he pushes the older boy backwards onto the bed. Bucky's hands scrabble against his chest. “Lie to me, tell me it’ll all be okay, tell me everything’s fine. Tell me nothing’s wrong.” He mouths down Bucky’s neck and bites down on his shoulder.

Bucky gasps and arches. “It’ll be okay," he pants, "It’ll be okay.” 

Tony closes his eyes and pretends they’re back in the tree house before all this started and if Bucky starts whimpering a different name and Tony does too well, neither of them will say anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Bucky is Tasha's foster brother because of Winter Soldier reasons.


	3. Thor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we hear from Thor and the guys decide to work together to find Loki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, so sorry this is so late! I'd initially finished this weeks ago but I completely forgot about it and then I found it and rewrote it and well,
> 
> This is technically part one of this chapter (I didn't want to leave you guys hanging much longer) hopefully I'll be back to regular updating after this!
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!
> 
> WARNING FOR AWFUL, AWFUL (unbeta'd) WRITING
> 
>  
> 
> EDIT: cleaned up :)

Thor is pacing in a jail cell wishing he could turn back time. He shouldn't be here, in this cold, grey room. This is wrong.

His mother is probably at home crying herself to sleep, his father is somewhere else in the station being interrogated for his brother’s murder. His _brother’s murder._ His brother is...Thor has no idea where his brother is.

Honestly, Thor’s half convinced this is some awful nightmare.

It can't be real. 

This isn't whats meant to happen.

_”Did you see your father kill him?”_

He’d come home to hear his parents arguing, the front door hanging open. He’d run upstairs and Loki’s room was empty. When they were kids Loki would sneak in to his room and clamber in to his bed when their parents argued. They'd hid under the covers and read stories together, act out wars and quests and movie scenes. He looked out the window and realised Loki's car was gone. 

_”Did you help him dispose of the body?”_

When they’d moved from England six years ago Loki was ten, Thor was twelve. He remembers how much Loki had hated it, how Loki had once tried to convince him to run away back to England with him. He remembers every kid he’d beaten up for bullying Loki, remembers every time Loki had yelled at him, _I can fight my own battles, Thor._ He remembers promising his mother he'd always look after his brother. 

_”We know you know where he is, Thor.”_

Thor doesn't know. He came home and Loki was gone. No note, no phonecall (Loki's stormed out before, he'd go a few hours before calling Thor and asking for a ride home- hes left his phone behind this time though.) His mother had been crying, his father had been torn between fury and regret, _he'll come back, Thor. He always does._ but this time was different. Thor knew it. He'd driven all over town. He’d called Steve and got him to help too; he’d called everyone he could think of. 

They hadn’t found him. Not one trace.

He’s told his story to the police officers a hundred times. He’s looked _everywhere_. Loki's gone. 

His father and Loki have always had a strained relationship (Odin is old fashioned and strict and Loki doesn't really fit in with that) but their father would never have killed him. _Never._

When the cell door creaks open he jumps and glares at the officer who leans in. He’s slightly older than the other officers that have interrogated him tonight and Thor’s surprised when the man smiles warmly at him.

“Hi there, Thor. I’m Detective Coulson, I’ll be lead detective on your brother’s case; I wanted to apologise for the way some of our younger officers have been treating you," he pauses and after a few moments Thor realises he's waiting for some sort of response. He nods awkwardly and the man smiles before continuing, "I’m here to tell you that you’re going to be released.” 

Thor blinks suspiciously. “Just like that?”

“Well, to tell you the truth we didn’t really think you were involved. We just needed to be sure.” He steps further in to the cell and shuts the door gently behind him. 

Thor takes an instinctive step back, “I thought you were letting me go.”

Coulson smiles again, “We will, I just need to ask you a few more questions. May I?”

_”Was it you who killed your brother, Thor? Argument get a little heated?_

“What kind of questions?” 

“I need to know everything about your brother. What was he like? What was his relationship like with you and your parents, particularly your father. His friends, his habits, anything that might help us." 

Thor doesnt know _everything_ about his brother, he's fairly sure no one does but even so he nods warily and the man smiles again. “I’m just trying to help you, Thor.” He says and Thor’s reminded of the silly cop shows his mother loves so much. _Good cop, bad cop._ But he’s tired and his head is a mess of worry and anger and he sighs.

“What do you want me to tell you?”

*****

Tony jerks awake from a dream of Loki screaming and Tony never being able to reach him. It takes him a minute to remember why he's in Bucky’s bed.

The pale sunlight streaming through the net curtains tells him it’s early morning and he sits up, rubbing his eyes. He needs to get back in to Tasha’s room before any of them realise he’s gone because Tasha finding out about this would probably be a bit not good (and result in unwelcome bodily injury.) He slides off the bed quietly and glances briefly at the snoring boy behind him. 

Bucky’s curled up on his side, face all open and vulnerable. Tony likes to think that maybe what they have together could be real (but he knows it never can be because there’s Loki and there’s Steve and he and Bucky are both thirty different flavours of fucked up). The thought of Loki makes his heart plummet because Loki’s still missing and all he wants _needs_ is to find him. 

(Pepper used to call Loki a parasite, a parasite that had burrowed under Tony's skin that Tony couldn't escape - Tony had laughed, she'd been so _worried_. "He'll ruin you, Tony," she'd said. "He'll never stop hurting you. It's who he is." 

"I'm a big boy, Pep," he'd said. "I can handle Loki." Now he's not so sure.)

He can’t do anything from here to find Loki and right now, still groggy from nightmares, all he really wants is a few more hours in his own bed. He stops by Tasha’s room to gather up his things, thinks about leaving a note, decides against it and leaves. He checks the time as he eases the front door shut, its 5am and an hour’s walk to his house, Tony groans, thinks about going back in (which would involve knocking and waking everyone up) but then resigns himself to his fate. He used to love 5am walks home, the feeling that he's the only person on earth. Usually it's peaceful, today it's just lonely.

He pulls out his iPod before he starts to walk (skips over the playlist Loki put together for him) closes his eyes briefly and lets the music wash over him. Softer than his usual stuff but not dull enough to bore him. He always thinks better when he’s alone; Loki’s been gone five days, almost a week, _a week_. There was nothing in the week before Loki disappeared that suggested he wasn't happy. _Nothing._ He groans in frustration. The last time Loki had broken down, really broken down, into a shivering, nervous wreck had been months ago but Tony would never forget it. They were alone in the treehouse. Howard had been drinking again (it was the anniversary of the separation), Tony had wanted to wreck something but Loki had already been there in floods of tears. 

( _Please, Tony, **please**. I just want to **go** , I just want to **die.**_ )

Tony shakes himself, he'd never found out what Loki was so upset about that night, he wished he had. It was the first time Tony had seen Loki so _broken_. Loki had always tried to hide it, Tony had known it was there, it was hard to miss once you knew it was there, but he’d never pressed it, he figured if something had been bothering Loki so much he would have just told them. 

God, he regrets not making Loki tell him. Maybe he could have helped.

Who is he kidding? He can barely deal with his _own_ problems, let alone someone else’s. He probably would have just made it worse; in fact he’s sure he would have. 

Tony sighs and turns the volume up fully.

When he gets home he falls in to bed fully clothed and ignores the photos on his walls, ignores the stray green hoodie draped across a chair in the corner.

*******

His mother meets him outside the station, holding her head high, dressed beautifully as always but Thor can see the unshed tears in her blue eyes, the cracks in her composure. He only barely represses the urge to run to her (he’s only been inside for one night but it’s enough for a lifetime) when he reaches her though he can’t resist throwing his arms around her. There are journalist there too, being held back by a few officers, the clicking of camera's and the clamour of their voices is almost deafening

Coulson had questioned him for what seemed like hours, asking about Loki’s friends, Loki’s favourite places, Loki’s _everything_ and at the end of it all the man had sighed, said he’d question Loki’s friends. Thor knows they'll be more helpful, Loki had stopped speaking to him towards the end, well, they'd still spoken but Loki hadn't really been saying anything. (He wonders how he never noticed that.) Thor had asked about his father and Coulson had frowned for a second and then slid his smile back into to place, saying something about not discussing open cases. Then he’d smiled and pushed Thor out of the door. Thor knew then that something had happened; it hadn’t just been an ordinary argument. 

“Mother...” he mumbles, against her neck.

She runs a hand through his hair and does her best to smile for him. “Come on; let’s get you out of here. Your friend’s have been worried sick.” Her voice trembles slightly. “Do you want to stop anywhere to eat first?”

Thor’s about to shake his head, to say he’ll eat when they get home when he remembers they won’t be going home. His house is a crime scene; it’s probably still taped off. “Where are we going?”

“A hotel,” she says absently smoothing his hair back. “Did they say anything about your father?”

When Thor shakes his head his mother presses a hand to her mouth and sniffs. “I just can’t believe this is happening...”

Thor puts an arm around her and they walk to the car in silence. When they get there Thor pauses, “Mother, I need to know, what Dad and Loki were arguing about.”

“Oh, Thor,” she says, touching his arm gently. “Can we please not do this now? I’ve just been questioned by the police and your father...” she trails off, smiles comfortingly, "This isn't the best place to discuss this."

Thor’s eyes narrow. “Mother, what were you arguing about?”

His mother sighs, her smile faltering, “Can we talk about this in the car, sweetie?”

*******

Tony wakes up to Jarvis the cat pawing at him and his phone buzzing on the bedside table. The sun spilling through the windows is far too bright for it to still be early morning and there's the distant beat of music that suggests his dad's awake. That means he's really, _really_ late. _Fuck._ He pushes Jarvis off him and leans over to check the caller I.D.

It’s Bruce. 

“What?” he mumbles, running a hand through his hair.

“Where are you, Tone? You’re like an hour late for school.” Bruce's voice is low and urgent and Tony can hear Natasha telling Clint to shut the hell up. It’s not like this is particularly unusual, Tony's late for school pretty regularly, but given the circumstances... He rolls out of bed, “ _Shit_.”

He can hear someone talking in the distance and then Bruce says, “Whatever, just get here fast. Principle Fury wants to see us all in his office.”

_Double shit._

“Get here quick, Tone.” 

Bruce hangs up and Tony scrambles around finding clothes that smell clean and shoving books haphazardly into his school bag. Obviously Tasha isn't going to drive him and there's no way in hell he's taking public transport so he thunders down to pound on his father’s workshop door. Howard answers the door with a face like thunder. 

Tony takes a deep breath, “I need a ride to school, Dad.”

Howard narrows his eyes and after a few moments he snaps, “Fine. Get in the car.”

They drive to school in silence and to Tony’s surprise Mr Xavier is waiting for them at the gates (he thanks God it wasn’t one of the other teachers, like Lensherr, or Fury himself). Xavier is at least human enough to pat him on the back and reassure him that he's not about to be dragged off to a prison somewhere. He’s led through the school to Fury’s office; Bruce, Clint and Tasha are sitting outside it.  
When Tony comes in Bruce stands up with a relieved smile. “You’re here, _finally_. We were worried you'd...”

he breaks off, catching his bottom lip between his teeth and Tony has the sudden awful idea that Bruce was about to say _pulled a Loki._

He shakes his head a little, “Yeah, yeah, I overslept. What’s happening here?”

“Fury’s got some detective in there, asking about Loki.” Clint answers, fidgeting. “They still think Odin killed him, I think.”

“They let Thor go this morning though,” Bruce adds.

Tony arches an eyebrow, “Really? How’s he doing?”

“Well his brother’s missing and his dad’s still in jail so...” 

“Shut up, Clint.” Tasha snaps, swatting at him. “They’ve already questioned Peter, Steve, Bucky and the others. They didn't take too long, I think they're just covering all their bases." She shifts slightly, angles her body towards him in a manner that suggests he's not going to be thrilled by what she says next. "Steve wants us all to meet up afterwards to talk this out.”

Well at least he can pride himself in his ability to read Natasha Romanov. Usually Tony would do _anything_ to get out of spending time with Steve but this time is different. Maybe Thor noticed something they hadn't, maybe Steve had (he volunteered in the Councillors office, right? Maybe he picked something up.) But then again Tony's only been up two hours or so, he's barely even functioning. He rubs his eyes and glances around, ”What do you guys think?”

There's a moment where they all shift awkwardly, exchanging wordless conversation. “I think the more info and eyes we have the better chance we have of finding Loki,” Tasha says eventually and Bruce nods in agreement. "Besides, it's probably best to get your hatred of Steve out of the way. He's not such a bad guy, you know. He's a little too nice for his own good but that's not necessarily a bad thing."

Tony doubts that but he's too tired too argue, “Okay, I’ll be there,” just as Fury’s office door swings open and Steve strides out. He pauses and gives them all a nervous smile before hurrying out.

“Stark,” Fury barks. “You’re closest to Loki, you get in here next.”

“Good luck, Tone,” Clint hisses as Tony passes him.

Fury pushes him in to a small room behind his office and snaps, “Behave,” before slamming the door. The room is empty but for a table and two chairs, one of which is occupied by a smiling man.

“Hello Anthony, I’m Phil Coulson, I’m the lead detective on Loki’s case and I need to ask you a few questions.”


	4. Thor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while! Hi, hi.
> 
> Unbeta'd like always and I hope you guys enjoy it.
> 
> Next chapter I want to do Bucky's pov but I'm not sure, so if anyone has any requests/preferences I'd really love to hear from you! Enjoy :)

They had kissed once.

Him and Loki.

Tony's never told anyone though, not even Bruce or Pepper.

That sounds weird, right? I mean, with all the pining on Tony’s part you would have thought he would have been more proud of it; but he wasn’t (and no, it wasn’t just because of the whole _someone kissed Tony Stark and didn’t immediately fall in love with him_ thing - although that was puzzling) It was strange. It felt like something he was supposed to keep to himself, something to hold close and secret. Loki pretended it had never happened anyway.

It had happened at Steve’s last birthday party, months ago. They'd all gone but since it was Mr Straight-Edge’s party he and Loki had left early and headed to the tree house. Tony had known something was up with Loki by the way his jaw was clenched but every time he’d asked Loki had just shaken his head and smiled, “Nothing’s wrong, Stark, _really_. I swear.”

Tony knew it was bull, however good of a liar Loki thought was (and yeah, okay, he _was_ pretty good) Tony could always tell when he was lying. Or at least he thought he could. Maybe he just _pretended_ he could. Whatever, he'd been right that time anyway. It had only been a week since Loki had broken down and Tony knew something was different after that, something had shifted or broken in Loki's head.

When they'd reached the tree house Loki had pulled a full bottle of vodka from the pocket of the huge coat he was wearing and the bottle hadn’t lasted very long. About two thirds of the way through it Loki had started to cry and Tony had very _very_ drunkenly thought it a good idea to point this out by reaching over and wiping the tears away.

“Don’t like it when you cry,” he’d mumbled (or at least that was what he’d intended to say, it may have come out as garbled nonsense) and Loki had batted him away gently before hiding his face in his hands.

“Sorry, sorry, Tony, I just -" he'd mumbled wetly.

“C’mere,” Tony had slurred, holding his arms open for Loki. Loki had glanced at him, sniffed and shaken his head, curling in on himself and shaking with silent sobs. So Tony had tugged at him more and more insistently until Loki had half slumped, half fallen into his arms.

“Don't, Tony,” he mumbled. "Please, don't..."

“S’alright. You’re cold.” Tony had said and Loki had looked up at him with the hint of a smile.

“And you’re warm,” Loki had said, muffled again but this time by Tony’s chest.

The rest of that evening had been a blur; he knew he’d asked Loki what was wrong several times and he knew that at some point Loki had decided that the best way to shut Tony up was with a kiss. The next thing Tony knew he had woken up with Loki sprawled on top of him and a very amused looking Clint standing over them.

It had been awkward to say the least.

So when Detective Phil Coulson sits across from him and asks, “And how would you describe your relationship with Loki Odinson?” Tony has a hard time coming up with an answer.

“We’re friends,” he settles on. “Good friends.”

Coulson nods, shuffles through the file in front of him, “And if there was something troubling him, he would come to you?”

 _You’d think so, wouldn’t you?_ “Well sometimes, I mean after break ups and stuff he did but I don’t know; he was the kind to bottle most of it up.” Tony says. It feels strange being honest. Usually when being questioned by law enforcement he’d be lying through his teeth, but this is different. 

"If it was something big though, he'd usually say something."

“Uh huh,” Coulson says, nodding again. “So, your friends tell me he didn’t seem particularly troubled in the week leading up to his disappearance.”

“He didn’t.”

Coulson nods once more, snaps the file shut and leans forwards, clasping his hands together on the table top. And Tony thinks, _shit_ , because Coulson looks far more serious and intense than he did before. “Mr Stark, are you aware of Mr Odinson’s reputation amongst the criminals in this town?”

“Uh,” Tony says eloquently. Everyone knows about Odin’s "reputation", apparently he used to be involved in some serious gang warfare back in the UK and some of it had carried over with him. He wonders if Thor knows, Loki did, of course he did, he was _Loki_. 

“Yes,” he says eventually, hesitantly. “I mean, I’ve heard rumours but I didn’t...” he trails off but then horrifying possibilities spring up in his mind. “Do you think that might have something to do with Loki’s disappearance?” he asks hurriedly pushing images of Loki being kidnapped by some drug cartel to the back of his mind.

“It’s a possibility,” Coulson says quietly. “We’re hoping not, though. If he had there probably would have been a ransom demand.”

Tony’s not sure if that makes him feel better or not. 

“Do you still think Odin did something?” Tony asks quietly. 

There’s this look in Coulson’s eyes that screams _yes_ but then he looks away and it's gone, “We’re keeping all options open.” He murmurs. 

After that Tony doesn’t ask any more questions, he answers Coulson’s to the best of his ability, detailed, accurate (he hopes) and Coulson nods and jots it all down. When they’re finally done Tony’s heart aches and his head is spinning.

(“I’m broken, Tony, I’m broken and you can’t fix me.” Loki had said - sobbed.)

*******

Thor buries his face in Jane’s neck. He’s only been out of prison for a few hours, he’s only been away from his mother for one and gods, he’s missed Jane. In an hour they’re meant to meet Steve and Loki’s friends. In an hour Thor’s going to tell them all what he’s learnt and they’re going to start trying to find Loki.

He’s lived through over a week of this. Of not knowing where his brother is, of people at school asking if his dad killed his brother, asking if his brother killed himself, of pitying looks and whispers and gasps behind his back. They're front page news, the local station did a two hour special.

He’s in Jane’s bedroom, away from everything, it’s a sanctuary. She doesnt have a TV, there aren't any newspapers or magazines (at least not ones that aren't on astrophysics or the like.) He can drown himself in Jane’s things and Jane’s family and Jane’s scent and _Jane_. He runs a hand through her dark hair, presses a kiss to her forehead. 

“Are you sure?” she whispers, for the fourth time. 

“My mother wouldn’t lie to me,” he mumbles back. 

It’s unbelievable, incomprehensible. Loki isn't his brother. Not his blood. His mother had told him in that spacious, fancy hotel room like it was nothing, a ‘by-the-way’ kind of thing and he hates her for it because it was not _nothing_. Thor can’t imagine it finding out you’re not who you thought you were, who you were meant to be. 

Thor had growled at his mother, “Why didn’t you tell us sooner?”

His mother had shrugged; spread her hands eyes shining with tears, “It didn’t matter to us. It shouldn’t have mattered.” 

It’s too easy for Thor to blame his parents for this; his father, the gangster (yes, Thor is well aware of his father’s reputation) his mother, all smiles and encouragement (turns a blind eye to her husband’s life outside of their house) He knows they love Loki as much as he does even if they don’t always show it, it’s written all over their faces and maybe that’s just it; they all cared, just not enough. Thor hadn’t noticed Loki change (looking back he can pinpoint it though, the moment Loki’s smiles stopped being real, the moment he grew paler, quieter, skinnier) but at the time he didn’t notice a thing.

“We told him two months ago,” his mother had said. “We thought he was okay.”

Thor keeps thinking of a kid in the year above him who’d killed himself a few years back. ( _we didn’t see anything,_ they’d all said, _nothing was different except that last day. That last day he seemed happy._ ) The police asked him if Loki was depressed. Thor didn’t like his answer. 

“Why did he run away though?” Jane asks quietly. 

Thor can’t help thinking that if he’d been there this might not have happened. Where had he been that night? A party. A stupid party where Bucky drank too much and Steve politely turned down half the female population of the school (and Peggy smirked fiercely by his side.) He’d left early, Jane had promised to call him later or something, but he _should have been there_. 

He’d gone to Steve when it happened (Steve lived the closest and Steve was his best friend) he hadn’t gone home for two days because _it didn’t feel like home anymore_.

“Can I stay here tonight?” Thor finds himself asking. He doesn’t want to see his mother.

She nods, “Stay as long as you need.” She brushes her thumb along his cheek- it comes away wet and Thor realises blearily that he’s crying. 

“We’ll find him, Thor.” Jane says firmly. “He’ll be okay.”

Usually Thor believes everything Jane says. She’s clever (so clever) not just with science and maths but with people, but this time he doesn’t feel comforted because there’s this hollow feeling where Loki should be.

*******

Tony doesn’t go back to class after Coulson lets him leave and he’s a little surprised when no one says anything about it. He heads out to the sports field and sits down in their usual school hangout spot, under an old gnarled oak tree. It takes another two hours for Tasha, Clint and Bruce to be questioned; they drift over to the tree one by one and don’t say a word until Clint shuffles over last, sniffling a little (he wipes his eyes none-too subtly before speaking) “We better get going, Steve texted they’re all at the diner already.”

They pile into Clint’s beat up old jeep and technically they’re leaving an hour early but the gates are open and no one says anything. The diner is a twenty minute drive from the school, it’s their default meeting spot when Thor and Steve and co. are involved (Tony hopes Steve’s co. won’t be there, they're loud and jockish and Tony has no idea of any of their names - he thinks there's a Gabe? Maybe a Jim?) As soon as they get there Clint and Tasha head over to the counter to grab their usual shakes and Bruce and Tony shuffle over to the table occupied by Thor, Bucky, Steve, Jane and Peggy (thank God the co. aren’t there.)

“So, we all know why we’re here,” Steve says when Clint and Tasha join them. “We need to find Loki, we all care about him and our best chance at this is if we all work together on this.”

“Agreed,” Tony says with a curt nod, (he thinks can get along with Steve, hopes he can at least, if it’ll help Loki).

“We should probably start with where we actually think he is,” Tasha says, “I mean what actually happened that night?” this last part is directed at Thor who swallows and shifts uncomfortably.

“I-uh, there’s actually something I found out today that explains a lot.” He says before taking a deep breath. “I think my brother was upset because...my parents had told him he was adopted.”


	5. Bucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bucky is angsty, Peggy channels some serious Sherlock Holmes vibes and Steve is oblivious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special warning for drug use!

He scrapes the soft white powder into neat parallel lines; they stand out harshly on the dark wood of his fifth-parent's mahogany desk.

The sound of footsteps echoes from the corridor. _Shit._ He scrabbles for the zip lock bag, hurriedly brushes as much of the coke as he can into it (most of it falls to the floor) _shit, shit, shit_. He grabs a book hurriedly off the shelf and opens it to a random page; it's hardly a master disguise but it's enough to ensure his parents won't think about kicking him out.

Tasha opens the door and takes in the scene with a slightly amused look. "Reading up on the good old English Dictionary, James?"

He hates that she calls him James. It's the name his _real_ parents gave him; he doesn't want to use it anymore. James would have been some other kid, with a home and proper parents.

"Looking something up for homework." He murmurs.

She snorts, "You don't do homework." She's always been a little too sharp for Bucky's liking.

"Might start," he says, snapping the book shut and turning to face her. "Why are you here?"

Her expression softens, "You have to stop this, James." She says quietly. He knows what she's talking about, there's only so much he can hide from her. "It's not healthy, you have to stop." Her voice is carefully emotionless but her eyes are soft, worried.

He looks away. "Don't know what you're talking about."

She sighs, "The others are downstairs. Coming?"

Bucky bites back a groan. "Be right there."

When she leaves he drops his head to the desk and tugs at his hair in frustration; he doesn't want to see anyone, he doesn't want to discuss Loki. Steve will be there with Peggy on his arm and they'll sit there, perfect power couple, and parent the group with stupid encouraging smiles. (Bucky hates Peggy.) And Tony will sit making witty remarks while his eyes shine and anyone with half a brain can see he's barely keeping himself from breaking apart.

Bucky won't be able to meet either of their eyes because he won't see anything meant for _him_ in them.

It might be selfish but Bucky's never really liked Loki. So he's adopted, so what? Bucky's own parents gave him away and he's been shunted around between foster homes ever since - at least Loki got a family. Tasha's parents have given him his longest home but even now he's treading on eggshells lest they decide he's not the son they want and send him back into the system. (He shudders at that thought.)

He's never liked the way Loki acted like his life was _so hard_ , poor little rich boy with his Daddy's mansion and money and name. How _dare_ he when so many of his friends had much, much worse circumstances? Everyone knows about Bruce's dad's drinking habit, everyone's seen the bruises. Everyone knows about the Barton's money problems, about how sometimes Clint and Barney don't get to eat at home; their dad had a drinking problem too until he crashed his car into a tree and cured himself of that nasty breathing habit.

Poor little Loki, his daddy loved Thor a little more than him (maybe Odin got pissed off with Loki's whining too, maybe there was a reason the whole school liked Thor better.) Bucky doesn't really think Odin killed Loki, he doesn't really think Loki killed himself either (although if he did Bucky's a little jealous - he's always been too cowardly to do it.) Loki probably ran away. He'll be back in a few weeks once he realises what it's like in the real world without his parent's money.

Maybe he hates Loki because of what he's doing to the group (Bucky kind of likes that thought) he hates that they're all so hurt by this.

He sighs, stands up and heads down to the sitting room, wondering when his life became a teen, soap opera. It's ridiculous really: Bucky loves Steve who loves Peggy and is the straightest guy for miles around, Tony loves Loki (Bucky thinks Loki knew and liked to toy with Tony's emotions for kicks) so Tony and Bucky are fucking and that's all it is, all it'll ever be. _Pathetic_.

When he gets downstairs they're all seated in a circle waiting for him, cross leggedly on the floor. He takes his seat between Thor (and Jane) and Steve (and Peggy) and listens to them discuss their plans to split up and drive around Malibu and the nearby cities to put up missing posters (because apparently Frigga and Thor's tearful television appeals aren't enough.) He loses himself in counting the little swirly patterns on the ceiling above him and only realises they're talking to him when Steve nudges him playfully, "Buck?"

Bucky blinks, "Sorry, what?"

"I said do you want to come up to LA with me and Peggy or go up with Bruce and Tony?"

 _Neither._ "Me and Tasha can't both be out, someone has to mind the house." He says, almost automatically. It's true. His- _Tasha's_ -parents are on a business trip in Moscow.

There's this awkward moment where they all stare at him and then Peggy (godamn, _Peggy_ with her stupid British accent) says, "Come on, James no one's going to know.

Bucky flinches at the use of his real name. No one but Tasha is allowed to use it. Not even his parents. Not even Steve. "It's Bucky." He says with more bite then is really necessary. Steve's hand curls around her arm protectively as if Bucky's about to launch himself at her. He rolls his eyes, _really?_

Tasha's eyes narrow, "Почему ты так себя ведёшь?" _why are you being like this?_

Bucky likes speaking Russian. He likes the way it feels on his tongue, the way no one else knows what they're saying. (Tasha taught him it so he'd feel like he belonged with them.) "Родители рассердятся." _Mom and Dad will be angry,_ he says.

"Они не узнают. Прекрати себя так вести." _They won't know. Stop being like this._

A thread of annoyance weaves its way into Bucky's heart. "I'm not _being_ like _anything._ " He snaps and Tony's eyes are on him, dark and furious.

"You're acting like a child, James. Stop it." Tasha snaps, like she can control him if she's angry enough. Like she can _scare_ him.

"Не указывай мне, что делать," he hisses. _Don't tell me what to do._ Steve's watching him too, eyes wide and blue, concern and annoyance warring in them.

_God. He needs a fix, just to take the edge off._

"Bucky, calm down," Peter says softly, there's no anger in his eyes (though Peter's never struck him as the type to get angry) Bruce is nodding beside him, watching Bucky warily and Bucky almost laughs. He's such a fucking _mess._

He stands up, "I'm going upstairs."

"Probably a good idea," Tony says tensely. He's still glaring, Bucky notices, like he's trying really hard not to punch him. (Bucky kind of wants him to, just to see what would happen.)

He gets upstairs, barely resists the urge to break something (or everything) does a line of coke, then another.

Falls boneless and blissfully numb onto his bed and sighs.

When he opens his eyes again someone's knocking on his bedroom door.

" _What_?" he snaps. _Don't let it be Steve, or Tony._ He doesn't want to fight; he's too tired, too muzzy.

The door opens and it's Peggy.

"The hell do you want?" he snaps blearily, scrubbing at his face.

She frowns at him, regards him as though he's nothing more than something horrible she's scraped off the bottom of her stupid, shiny shoes. "What I want, James is to know why you're acting like a child. You really hurt your friends, you know."

 _Your_ friends, like they're not good enough for her, like she's _gracing_ them with her presence and worldly knowledge. "Fuck off." He growls. He is nowhere near clear headed enough to deal with this right now.

She doesn't leave though, instead she strides across the room and stands, hands on her hips before him. "So what is it? It's not alcohol? Is it a drug?" she asks, eyes narrowed.

 _"What?_ "

She leans down, studies him and Bucky resists the urge to push her away. "Drugs," she says, "Cocaine, is it?" she says so nonchalantly, like it's the most obvious and normal thing in the world and Bucky's honestly too shocked to do much then gape at her.

She smiles coolly, "You have some powder there on your shirt." She straightens up. "It's almost as obvious as how in love with my boyfriend you are." She grins again, "Don't worry, I won't say anything too him."

If Bucky was any more sober he thinks he'd probably have thrown her out of the window by now. "The hell are you talking about?" he tries to sound angry, disbelieving, but his mouth is so dry it comes out as a rasp.

She's studying the posters on his walls, "You didn't deny it. I think it's rather sweet actually. I don't understand why you don't want to help find Loki though; you don't like him much, that's clear. Are you maybe jealous of him?"

" _Jealous_?" Bucky scoffs.

"Oh, you are. Is it the attention? Or are you just upset that no one can see how fucked up _you_ are?"

"I fucking _hate_ you," Bucky hisses, his eyes feel wet. "I _fucking_ hate _you_."

Peggy smiles and there are footsteps in the hall and then Steve's leaning in, "There you are, Peg," he says with a small smile. He looks over at Bucky, red eyed and sat on the bed, he frowns, "You okay, Bucky?"

"He's just worried about Loki," Peggy answers for him, shooting Bucky a quick devious look.

Steve crosses the room and drops on to the bed, throws a rough arm around him. "We all are, buddy." He says, like Bucky's some silly little kid.

Peggy sits down beside Steve and he throws his other arm around her. She smiles at Bucky but it looks more like a smirk. "We'll find him, guys," Steve says confidently. "We'll find him."

Bucky wants to turn and bury his face in Steve's neck and he wants Peggy to leave because she's fucking with his head now and he wants more coke because it's the only thing that makes his skin stop crawling because he's just _wrong._

******

"Do you think maybe we could search Loki's room?"

Thor frowns at him, they've been allowed back into the house now and Loki's room sits empty and untouched like a tomb. "The police have searched it, Tony." He says carefully.

Tony scoffs, "The police don't know Loki, not like we do." He knows Thor will relent but Tony's not entirely sure if he wants to _search_ Loki's room or if he just wants to _be_ in Loki's room.

Thor shrugs, "I'm heading back to pick some stuff up. You can come now I guess." He's been staying Jane's since he got out of prison; he's going to Steve's for a few nights now. Tony understands Thor's mother has kept so much from him it must be kind of hard to be around her.

Tony stands up, glancing at Tasha, Clint, Bruce and Peter. "Coming?"

Clint shakes his head, indicating Tasha (they've been dancing around each other forever) Tasha's still annoyed about Bucky (Tony's fucking furious) and Peter says, "Aunt May needs me home."

Bruce stands up though, "I'll come," he says.

They follow Thor out of the house to his car, "Shotgun!" Tony calls, running ahead. No one says anything until they're in the car.

"So, what's up with Bucky?" Bruce asks quietly.

Tony shrugs (he honest to God just _doesn't know_ with that guy, he'll deal with him later though) and Thor sighs, "Bucky's always been a little distant. He only really talks to Steve."

"Yeah well hopefully he gets himself sorted out," Tony mutters. "Last thing we need is another disaster."

When they get to Thor's his mother opens the door silently and tries her best to smile before disappearing back into her room. Tony feels kind of bad for her, her husband is in prison, her youngest is missing and her oldest hasn't been home in days, it must be lonely. At least Thor had them and Jane.

He leads them upstairs quietly and pauses outside Loki's closed door. "You guys can go in...I just can't right now."

"It's okay, big guy, we get it," Tony says with a small smile. Thor nods and disappears into his own room and Bruce opens the door to Loki's room hesitantly.

It's obvious right away that the police have been through all of Loki's things, the room is neater then it's ever been. The bed is tidy; the books are all stacked neatly on the shelves, there aren't any clothes strewn about the place and it's just _eerie._

"Wow," Bruce says, "They really were thorough, huh?"

It doesn't look like Loki's room anymore. It looks like a fake copy.

"So, what are we actually looking for, Tone?"

"I don't know," Tony says honestly. He really doesn't. He just needs _something_. _Anything_ that might tell him where Loki is.

"Well, we better get to it," Bruce says with an encouraging smile.

They search through Loki's room slowly, starting at opposite ends. They find Loki's stash of vodka and cigarettes (which the police obviously hadn't), the remains of a box of fireworks they'd stolen last November, a few old sketch books which Bruce flicks through quietly. Tony also finds an old hoodie he'd leant to Loki months ago and puts it on over the top of his shirt. It smells like Loki and it's oddly comforting.

"Ergh," Tony groans in frustration after an hour of searching, "There must be _something_. I mean if you were about to run away wouldn't you leave something? Did the police say if he'd taken anything?" (They may or may not have hacked into the police database and scoured the incident report for clues.)

Bruce shut his eyes, "Uh, it said he just came up here and grabbed his school bag, right? And a jacket."

Tony nods, "Yeah, but most of his school books are here so he must have emptied them out. Did he pack anything else? I mean aside from his car keys and wallet and stuff."

"I don't know, I mean he left his mobile here, most of his clothes are here too. What else could he take?"

The phone is on the other side of the room, plugged into the charger.

Tony growls and flops backwards onto the bed, "I don't _know_."

Bruce sat down beside him, "Maybe he wasn't thinking, Tone. I mean he might not have actually planned _this._ And if he did why would he abandon his car?"

Tony burrows deeper into his hoodie. "Maybe he didn't want to be found."

* * *

He gets the call later that night.

He's home alone for once, no tree house tonight, no one sleeping over, he'd spoken to Pepper and Rhodey earlier over Skype and they'd offered to put some missing posters up but Loki never struck him as a New York kind of guy. Tomorrow they'll spend all day searching for him, tomorrow maybe they'll find him ( _hopefully)_

It's Steve.

"What's up, Captain America?"

He hears Steve frown at the nickname, "What?"

"You know, blonde, blue eyes, big, strapping, the all American boy, or is that Aryan? Whatever, Captain America is catchier. Or at least less racist."

"...Right." Steve says slowly and Tony can hear Thor's low rumble on the other side of the line.

"So, anyway, Cap, what did you want?"

There's a pause and then, "Do you know what's up with Bucky?"

 _Nope._ "Why would I know, he's your best friend, right?"

Steve sighs, "He doesn't talk to me anymore, not since..." _not since I started dating Peggy_ , it's unsaid but Tony hears it all the same. "But he spends a lot of time together and I just thought...I don't know. You honestly have no clue?"

 _I wish._ "No idea, Steve. Have you actually tried asking him?"

Steve's silence tells him he hasn't.

"So maybe try that. If not I'll talk to him."

Tony hangs up and flops back on his bed, still wrapped up in the hoodie from Loki's house. He taps his phone for a few seconds before dialling a number and raising it to his ear. It rings for about a minute before going to voicemail.

 _"Hey, it's Loki, I'm too busy with world domination plans to take your call but you know, leave it at the beep and I'll get back to you...maybe._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't decide if I want Bucky and Steve to get together.
> 
> Thoughts?


	6. Bucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things go downhill for Bucky but things are looking up for Loki's case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's been so long! This fic is hard. Last part of Bucky's chapter. Anyone have any preferences for the next chapter's pov? :D
> 
> Thanks so much for all your reviews! Keep them coming ^_^

Tony sighs. 

He really doesn’t need this right now. He’s in love with a guy who’s been missing for almost two weeks (and might be dead or might have killed himself), he’s spent the better part of the last week looking for him _and_ his Dad has an several important meetings coming up (which means _way_ more drinking and barking, _Tony you better godamned behave yourself_!) 

He’s just gotten back from poster-ing the streets of LA with Bruce, they’ve been at it for days and still got no leads. They’d driven back in silence, met up with others and seen only dull, sullen faces. No signs of Loki. The police are questioning local gangs and associates of Odin (but still, Tony’s hoping it’s not a kidnapping- they would have left a note, right? A ransom demand or something.) He’s not going to school tomorrow, he and Clint and Tasha are bunking and driving down to a few other towns to put up posters.

What he wants to be doing right now is sleeping (well, lying in his bed dialling _that_ number over and over which is kind of the same thing) but instead he’s at Steve’s house. 

Steve’s parents are possibly the straightest, whitest people Tony has ever met, it’s like stepping back in time to the ‘40’s or 50’s. His father, the gruff ex-army officer who overuses the word ‘lad’ and his mother the pretty housewife, forever baking and coddling her only child (she's even wearing a frigging _apron_.) 

If Steve doesn’t hurry up they’re going to end up butchered on the lovely white living room floor. Or maybe Tony will just end up slitting his wrists and bleeding out on the couch. Either way their flawless white carpet is going to need a thorough cleaning. 

“Are you sure I can’t get you something to drink Anthony?” Steve’s Stepford mother simpers. _Anthony._ No one calls him Anthony. 

“I’m fine thank you, Mrs Rogers,” Tony says for the fourth time through gritted teeth. She smiles and nods and hovers awkwardly in the doorway.

“Steven will be down in a minute, I’m sure.”

 _He fucking better be._

Steve arrives just as Tony’s wondering whether it’s possible to chew your own tongue off out of boredom (he reasons that if you didn’t pass out from the pain and you had _really_ sharp teeth it just might work) He smiles sheepishly, “Sorry to keep you.”

“Its fine,” Tony says, turning towards the front door and yanking Steve with him. They get halfway down the street before Tony spins to face Steve, “What do you want, Rogers?” 

Steve raises an eyebrow, looks like he’s about to lecture Tony on manners (which has happened before) but thinks better of it. “I wanted to talk about Bucky.”

“Bucky.” Tony repeats. “Loki is missing and you want to talk about Bucky.”

Steve ducks his head and rubs at the back of his neck, “I’m worried about him,” he admits quietly. “I don’t want him to...”

“Want him to what, Steve?”

“I don’t know, I just...We don’t want another...”

If Steve says Loki Tony’s going to punch him.

“Disaster.” Steve finishes lamely.

Tony's said as much to Bruce but he’s got enough on his plate with Loki and Bucky’s a big boy, he can handle himself (but then he always thought that about Loki.) They're all messed up. All of them falling apart at the seams but he’d always thought they’d turn out okay. Before this all of them had looked away when Loki refused to speak to anyone or when Bucky disappeared for a day or to or when Bruce came to school in bandages and casts. It was easier that way. If they wanted to talk they would, if not they all just got on with it. Maybe that was wrong.

“You still haven’t tried talking to him, have you?” Tony asks, crossing his arms.

“He won’t talk to me,” Steve mutters. “He talks to you, though.”

Tony scoffs, “No, he doesn’t. We just drink together. Look, Rogers, as much as I _love_ these late night strolls I really want to get home to bed so could you just-”

Steve steps forward, “Tony, _please._ I know you’re upset about Loki and I know how you _feel_ okay? Because on top of worrying about Loki I’m worrying about Thor and you guys _and_ Bucky.”

“Oh, like I don’t worry about anyone else.” Tony snarks. Steve gives him a pointed ‘Tony-you-know-damn-well-what-I-mean’ look.

“Tony, if you had a chance to save Loki wouldn’t you take it?”

Did he really just say that? “I’m sorry, what?” 

Steve winces, “Sorry, that was out of line.”

“Damn straight!” Tony snarls. “This is _your_ problem, Rogers.”

Steve glares. “Don’t you care?”

“Of _course_ I care! But honestly, Bucky’s been like this for _years_ it’s not my problem you’re only noticing it now.” he mutters. “I don’t have time for this.” He turns to walk down the street; Steve only lives a few blocks away from his house -

Steve cuts in front of him, “He hasn’t been like this for months, Tony, he’s getting worse.”

“So deal with it,” Tony says, trying to duck around him.

“Tony, wait-”

“For fucks sake, just drop it! How about spending time with him _alone_ rather than bringing Peggy everywhere. Anyone with a brain cell can see he hates her!”

Steve cuts off his escape again. “Did he say that? Why wouldn’t he like Peggy?”

“Oh my god. You’re actually blind, aren’t you?”

“What are you talking about?” he frowns and Tony has to bite back a laugh. Steve is so blind, he’s so quick to believe the best about people that he’s stopped actually _looking_ at them.

“Why don’t you ask Bucky?”

“I told you!” Steve cries despairingly. “He won’t talk to me!”

This time when Steve tries to cut off Tony’s retreat he physically shoves the older boy back. “He doesn’t talk to me _either_! How are you not getting this!?”

“Because you spend so much time with him, that’s why!” 

Tony snaps.

“WE’RE JUST _FUCKING_ OKAY!”

Steve leaps back as though he’s been bitten, “ _What_?”

And oh shit Bucky is _so_ going to _kill_ him.

“Tony, what did you just say?” Steve asks slowly, eyes wide.

Tony opens and shuts his mouth a few times because what the fuck is he meant to say? Then his phone rings (and Tony is so going to fucking worship whoever is saving him from this situation) It’s Peter.

“Tony? Get everyone and get to the tree house, they’ve let Odin go and they’ve found something! I’m at Gwen’s; I’ll be over once I work out what they’ve found.” And then he’s gone and Tony’s listening to a dial tone.

“It was Peter, they’ve found something. We’ve got to get to the tree house.”

Steve opens his mouth before nodding. “I’ll drive.”

 

*****

“Come on, we’re going to Clint’s,” Tasha says, dropping beside him on the couch. 

Bucky’s dozing, drifting. He yawns and arches slightly into the cool leather of the couch. “Wh-what?” 

Tasha touches his cheek. “Come on, James.” She says quietly. “They’ve found something in Loki’s case.”

He sits up. He hasn’t seen anyone for days, “Your parents get back today.” He mumbles, running a clammy hand through his hair. He can feel himself coming down, he’s trembling slightly. God, he’ll need a fix if he’s going to see Steve tonight. He’s been avoiding him, ever since his conversation with Peggy. 

She stands up, knowing he’ll follow and pads out of the living room. “They’re your parents too.” She says softly disappearing into the hall.

He sighs as he stands, stretches and heads upstairs, mumbling to Tasha that he’s just going to grab a jumper. He yanks open the drawer where he keeps the little box that no one looks in. He tells everyone it’s something from his real parents, in reality it’s a little zip lock bag filled with white powder. 

And it’s empty.

“ _Fuck._ ” 

He doesn’t have time to phone his dealer so instead he pulls out the bottle of vodka he keeps under his mattress and downs three cap-full’s. It’s not the same but he hopes it’ll do. He pockets the bottle.

Tasha’s already waiting in their beat up old car, stoic as ever. “All ready?” she asks coolly. She knows. He knows she knows. Maybe she emptied his little bag. Bucky smiles icily, “Ready.”

They drive over in silence.

Everyone’s already seated when they get there. Tony, next to Bruce, is practically shaking with excitement, beside them Steve is sat calmly. He looks up when Tasha and Bucky clamber up and Bucky carefully avoids his gaze (he doesn’t want to see the hurt in Steve’s blue eyes or Peggy’s hickey on his neck). Thor is absent, probably home hearing whatever news they’re hearing through more official means.

Peter scrambles up moments afterwards and Bucky sinks back against the tree house walls. _He doesn’t need to be here._

“They found something; one of Loki’s cards was used in New York.” Peter says, brown eyes alight with excitement.

“Oh my God!” Clint says just as Tony says, “ _New York?_ ” and Bruce says, “I thought all his cards were accounted for?”

Peter nods, “They were, the ones he used regularly anyway. Apparently this one was an emergency account Odin set up for both his sons.”

“So he’s alive?” Tony breaths, he sounds so happy, something twists in Bucky’s heart.

“Wait a second, if he ran away he’d know that the card could be traced. Why would he use it?” Bruce asks. 

“Maybe he was desperate?” Clint suggests.

“Maybe,” Steve echoes. “And that probably means he wasn’t kidnapped. I’m assuming that account didn’t have that much money in it, plus they wouldn’t have waited this long, would they?”

“Who cares? I’m going to New York tomorrow,” he announces. “Who’s with me?”

Bruce, Clint and Tasha raise their hands without hesitation. “I’ll come too,” Steve says. “Since I’m the only one who’s legally _allowed_ to rent rooms and everything.”

Tasha nudges Bucky. He turns away. He doesn’t want to road trip with Steve. Peggy will no doubt come along too. “James will too.” Tasha says in her ‘don’t-fuck-with-me-voice’. Steve beams. Bucky groans.

They plan out their route and trip for the next hour or so. Peter elects to stay at home and relay information back and forth. Bruce leaves first, then Steve who heads over to Thor’s to fill him in, Clint and Tasha disappear to his room so she can help him pack. Bucky’s not sure how but he’s ended up alone with Tony.

The other boy is fidgeting, all his giddy joy has dissipated and Bucky frowns. “What?”

Tony stares mutely for a few seconds and Bucky sits forward. If Tony Stark is speechless this must be serious. “What did you do, Tony?”

Tony looks down, apparently suddenly fascinated by the small tear in his jeans. “I um, I may have accidently told Steve we were fucking...”

“ _What?_ ” Bucky’s heart stops. “You’re joking right?” _Oh god, oh god._ “Please tell me you’re joking.”

Steve will _hate_ him.

Tony’s eyes meet his reluctantly. “I’m sorry Buck,” he says quietly.

“No.” Bucky says. “No. You didn’t. You _can’t_ have!”

Steve will tell people. _Oh god._ What if Tasha’s parents find out. They’ll send him back to a foster home. Who wants a gay, fucked up son? 

He’ll lose all his friends.

Tony stands, moves forwards. “Bucky, you need to calm down.” He says, slightly panicked. 

_How can he be calm?_

He can’t even breath.

“Shit,” Tony says. “ _Shit,_ Bucky calm down! Hang on, I’ll get Tasha. Awh, shit. Bucky don’t cry!”

Bucky hadn’t even realised. Tony leans down and awkwardly rubs his shoulder. It’s ridiculous. They’ve been fucking for months but any tender gesture between them is so _forced,_ so fake. 

Bucky flinches away. “Don’t _fucking_ touch me.” his skin is crawling.

“Bucky!”

Fucking Tony Stark. He doesn’t really care. Bucky growls and shoves him off, shoves him back _hard_. “Fuck fucking _off_ , Tony!”

He scrambles down the ladder with difficulty.

He still can’t fucking breathe.

His world is about to fall apart.

He thinks he hears Tony call after him but he’s already out of Clint’s yard and in the street, his vision blurred with tears.

Tony catches up with him, grabs his arm and Bucky yanks it away.

“Bucky, I’m _sorry!_ ” he repeats. Maybe he is but Bucky doesn't care.

“No you’re not,” Bucky snaps. “You know what? I don’t even care. Why _should I?_ Because I know something you _don’t._ ”

Bucky is very obviously drunk; Tony can smell the alcohol on his breath. Tony grabs his arm again to hold him steady.

Bucky sways, “I was the last one to speak to Loki. He asked for you ‘cos he knew you were seeing _me_ that night,” Bucky slurs. “I told _him_ too. You should have seen his fucking face, Stark. He was _so_ fucking pissed.”

Tony lets Bucky go. “What?” he asks quietly.

“He was _crying_ , Stark. I sent him off, told him you wouldn’t care.” 

Tony’s eyes are wide and this time when Bucky runs he doesn’t follow.

Bucky keeps running until he hits something hard. Something that makes a soft noise of surprise and wraps its arms around him and says, “Bucky? What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry,” Bucky mumbles, he’s crying again. _I’m sorry I lied, I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough, I’m sorry I fell in love with you and fell into bed with another guy. I’m sorry. **I’m sorry**_. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Steve tightens his arms around Bucky. “It’ll be okay, Buck. I’ve got you. You’ll be okay.”


	7. Natasha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tasha observes, Tony gets revenge and there is a road trip.
> 
> Oh, and Tony swears a heck of a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long, this fic is just so hard to write!
> 
> I'm sorry if Clint is a little OOC in this, I just have no idea how to write him!
> 
> Unbeta'd ~

Natasha sits and watches her friends fall apart.

She wonders sometimes why no one else sees it. No one seems to see the way Clint's clothes hang off him in places or the way he wolfs down the hot school lunch like he's never seen food before (poverty will do that to you.) No one sees the bruises on Bruce. Or the way Tony subtly flinches every time he looks in a mirror.

She wonders what people see when they look at her.

They're all cracked, like old china plates, scarred, all it'll take is a sharp tap in the right place and they'll be in pieces, fragments, shattered. It's become something like a game to her; who'll break first? It's not that she doesn't care because she really, _really_ does, it's just she doesn't quite know _how_ to care.

Case in point: Tony is currently falling apart because Loki's missing and she has no idea how to deal with either of those situations. Another example: her brother, or as close as she's ever going to get to a brother, is in love with his best friend and slowly killing himself. Another: she's pretty sure her best friend is slowly falling in love with her and she has _no_ idea what she's supposed to do about that.

She misses Loki. She misses Loki _a lot._

But she's not stupid, she's not naive; she knows he's probably dead. Not that she'd say that out loud though. She's not cruel. She doesn't want to shatter her friend's tenuous hope.

"Do you think we'll find him, Tasha?" Clint asks from where he's trying to stuff what looks like a month's worth of crisps into his already bursting holdall.

She meets his gaze steadily. "Yes."

He sighs, "You're lying."

Tasha blinks and Clint smiles softly. "I can tell, you know."

"Liar," she smiles.

He grins back, "You're far too cynical, Nat."

Sometimes she marvels at Clint. He's had a pretty shitty life (though she's by now convinced that no one's life is easy) but he can still smile brighter than the rest of them. "I haven't seen much to make me optimistic, Clint."

Clint manages to zip up the holdall and whoops triumphantly, "What about _that_?"

She smiles, " _Aside_ from you being able to pack an inhuman amount of food."

Tossing the holdall aside he scrambles up on to the bed, "Well, Loki's card being used has to mean something right?"

"I guess, but if Loki doesn't want to be found he won't be. He's smart Clint."

Clint ponders this for a moment, fiddling with a hole in his duvet. "Maybe. But he must know how much this is hurting us."

Tasha's about to reply wondering whether Loki would care that it was hurting them (which is silly in one respect but in another she knows enough of pain to know how blinding it can be) but they're interrupted by her phone vibrating loudly on Clint's bedside table.

"Steve? What's up?"

"I'm gonna keep Bucky at mine tonight, okay? He's a bit...drunk." Steve says, he sounds tired, worried.

"Is he okay?" she asks immediately.

"Yeah-yeah, just a bit wound up, you know. Listen, I gotta go, okay? I left him in my room and I don't...I just don't want to leave him alone too long."

She bites her lip, "You don't want me to come get him?"

"No, its okay, Natasha. I'll bring him with me tomorrow, alright?"

She's sure that it's not, in fact, alright but she sighs anyway, "Okay. You'll call me if anything happens though, right?"

"Right. See you soon."

He hangs up and Tasha listens to the dial tone for a few seconds before letting the mobile drop onto the bed. Clint rubs her arm soothingly, "Everything okay?"

She sighs again, "Buck's drunk. Steve's got him over at his."

He makes a small sympathetic noise and pulls her closer to him gently. For once Natasha doesn't resist and leans against him. "He'll be okay, Nat."

She closes her eyes, "Everyone's falling apart." She says quietly.

"We were always falling apart, Nat. This has just sped it up a bit."

They jolt apart when there's a knock at the door and Clint's older brother Barney sticks his head in, "Clint, one of your mates is here, Tony or whatever."

He steps back and Tony shuffles in to the room, eyes a little red and shuts the door behind him. Tony looks up at her, "Where's Bucky?" he asks almost inaudibly.

"At Steve's," she leans forwards, eyes wide. "Tony, what's wrong?"

"That fucker," Tony murmurs, tugging at his hair. "That _bastard_."

"Tony," Clint stands; ready to catch Tony if he did anything stupid.

Tasha stands too, "What's wrong?" she repeats.

Tony glares at her, brown eyes dark, "That fucking bastard lied to us, Tasha. He lied to _everyone_ about Loki." He spits.

"Who? Bucky?"

 _"Yes_. Bucky."

"No," Tasha says because Bucky wouldn't lie about something so serious. _Would he?_ "When did he tell you? What did he say?"

"Earlier tonight!" Tony's voice shakes. "He said...He lied about the last day we saw Loki. He said he was the last one who spoke to him, that Loki asked him if he'd seen me and that bastard told Loki I didn't care about him."

 _No,_ she thinks. _No, he wouldn't be so petty._

"What? When did he see Loki?" Clint asks.

"I don't know. He fucking ran off." Tony runs a hand through his hair and swears a few times. "I _fucking_ hate him."

Clint glances at her, "Maybe we should phone Steve? See if Bucky's up?"

Tasha shakes her head, "If Steve was too worried to leave him alone I doubt he'd be up to talking. Probably wouldn't even remember what he said."

"This is serious, Nat," Clint says quietly.

She glares at him, "I _know_ Clint. I'm not an idiot. _Блядь_."

"Should we call Coulson?" he asks.

Tony looks up and shakes his head, "He'd haul us all in for questioning. We need to get to New York as soon as possible."

"Guys this could be _serious,_ " Clint says again.

"We know!" Tony snaps then he sighs. "Maybe we can call Coulson once we've already left."

"No, he'd come after us, bring us in anyway." Tasha says.

" _Fine_ , we'll just give him Bucky to question."

Natasha glares at him, "Then I'm staying."

Tony bristles and Clint shakes his head, "Nat-"

"He's my _brother_. You'd stay if it was Barney."

"Maybe it doesn't matter so much," Clint mutters. "I mean either way Loki's gone, does it matter when Bucky spoke to him?"

"It might make a difference," Tony says, sitting down on the floor and drawing his knees up to his chest. "I mean if he spoke to Bucky after the argument at home then it proves Odin didn't kill him. Then at least they wouldn't have wasted so much time questioning him."

"Shit," Tasha whispers. " _Shit_."

Clint sits back down on the bed and scrubs at his eyes. "What do we do? It's your call, Tone."

"I don't know," Tony mutters, cradling his head in his hands. "I don't fucking know."

* * *

In the end he decides they'll go to New York and call the police afterwards.

They get up early (he stays at Clint's mostly because he didn't trust himself not to go home and break something expensive because _fucking Bucky_ ) and pile their things in to Barney's beat up old camper van. It's a rusty red colour but it's the only vehicle they can find that'll fit them all in. Bruce meets them early and they end up waiting around almost thirty minutes for Steve and Bucky (thankfully Peggy isn't with them.)

"Where's Thor?" Clint asks as Steve climbs out of his car. Bucky stumbles out behind him, blinking in the bright light; Tony would have already launched himself at the fucker were it not for Tasha's tight grip on his arm.

"He and his dad aren't allowed to leave the State." Steve says. "And guys, this is a two day drive if we do it nonstop. Are we sure we want to be doing this?"

"No," Bucky mutters. Tasha elbows him and says something in harsh Russian that makes him pale a little. _Asshole._

"We need to find Loki," Bruce says and Tony nods.

"Come on, Cap. All aboard the hippy wagon. Maybe we can get a little crazy. It'll be fun, a road trip, like _Little Miss Sunshine_."

Clint stares at him.

"So what? It's a kickass film."

"It's about a beauty pageant," Clint says with a small half smile.

"Let's hope it's a little more successful than that and one of us doesn't drop dead mid-trip." Tasha says darkly, steering her brother into the van.

"Alright then," Steve says. "Let's get going."

They all clamber in and even though Tony tries to seat himself beside Bucky he ends up between Clint and Tasha (with Bucky sprawled in the back seat) and Bruce riding shotgun. Peter comes down, hair sleep tousled and t-shirt back to front to wave them off and promises to keep in touch, Clint picks out one of his brother's mixed tapes to play and then they're off. They chatter and Clint even gets him and Steve to sing along to a few songs. They even play I-Spy once or twice.

They're driving for almost four hours before Tony can't hold himself back anymore.

"So, Bucky," he says conversationally, there's an answering grunt from the hung over boy in the back and Tasha grips his arm.

"Tony, don't." She says quietly.

Bruce turns around in his seat, "Don't what?" he says curiously.

He yanks his arm away. "I just wanted to continue a conversation we were having last night."

Bucky makes a sound of mute horror. In the front seat Steve stiffens and his ears redden a little.

"You know the one where you were telling me all about your little talk with Loki."

" _Tony_ ," Tasha warns.

"'cos we were just wondering whether you thought about telling the police. You do realise that if you had Odin and Thor might not have been arrested."

"Tony," Bucky mumbles, scrambling to sit up. "Tone, don't- I didn't...I was drunk."

"Oh, I know. But you've always been more truthful when you're drunk. Like when you were telling me about Steve."

Steve frowns in the rear-view mirror and Bucky's eyes are wide with horror. "Tony, what are you doing?" Steve asks quietly.

Tony smirks at him and turns in his seat to lean closer to Bucky, gripping his shirt front. He can feel Bucky shaking. "Because of you Loki's gone," he hisses. "If you'd told him to come to me he might still be here."

Bruce is straining to hear what they're saying and Steve's paying them more attention than the road. Tasha is tense beside him, glaring and radiating hostility, Clint is mute and Tony's sure Tasha will make both of them pay later but right now he doesn't care. He just needs to make Bucky _hurt._

"He's in love with you, Steve." Tony says calmly. "He has been for years."

The whole van is silent.

Bucky goes pale.

"I'm gonna be sick..." he mumbles.

Tony turns back to the front of the van. Steve's gripping the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles are white.

"Pull over, Steve," Bruce says quietly.

Bucky scrambles out of the van as soon as it sputters to a halt on the side of the road; he makes it a little way off before he falls to his knees and wretches. Tony can't help but feel a sick sense of satisfaction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little Miss Sunshine is an awesome film and I don't know what you've been doing with your life if you haven't seen it.


	8. Natasha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Double update this week (this seems to be a pattern) the road trip will end next chapter so I think it might stay in Tasha's pov or maybe Steve or Bruce. Preferences? Also. Sorry Bucky's kind of stealing the show. I just love him. _A lot._ And i need more angsty Stucky in my life.
> 
> Thanks as always for all your feedback :D I'm going through an extended rough patch so it really makes my day :)

They pull into a sleazy motel at almost midnight and give false names because it seems like the thing to do. She and Tony go into the office while the rest of the group sit in silence in van. Tony has enough money to get them all separate rooms (which Natasha thinks is probably a good idea at this point) but he doesn't. He pays for two with two double beds in each room.

She offers to share with Bucky and she knows Clint will take the other bed in their room. Tony, Bruce and Steve will take the other room. They walk back to the van quietly and find Steve and Clint already unpacking, Bruce is on the phone to Peter and Bucky's still sat curled in to himself in the back, carefully avoiding everyone's gaze.

When they approach Steve straightens up, turns to them and clears his throat. "I think we should uh - talk about what happened earlier."

He's met with a glare from Tony and a muted squeak from Bucky - Natasha's pretty sure that Steve's referring to the Loki thing rather than the _other_ thing but who knows. Steve might want them to sit around and open up about their feelings or something.

"Maybe we should all unpack first?" Bruce suggests.

Steve nods and Natasha takes up her bag, "Come on, James." She says quietly. Bucky follows her and Clint up to their room and crumples on to the bed as soon as they unlock the door.

Natasha drops her bag and heads straight to the bathroom; she's in dire need of a long shower. The shower is filthy and rust filled but she's past caring. She locks the door, strips and turns the water up to scolding.

When she steps out and pulls a fresh outfit on she feels a little less like committing mass homicide. She leaves the bathroom to find Bucky alone in the room, still sprawled across the bed facing the wall.

"Where's Clint?"

Her brother jumps and rolls to face her, "He's gone to the diner down the road with Bruce. They're seeing if they do take out." He sits up and looks at her, half reluctantly, half expectantly. She sighs.

"Was Tony telling the truth?"

Bucky looks away. "Yes."

"About both things?"

She watches as he clenches his fist in the sickly orange bed sheets. " _Yes._ "

"For God's sake James," she whispers because she knows her brother is an idiot. She just didn't think he was _that_ stupid. He glares at her, or at least she thinks he's trying to glare. It sort of looks like he's steadfastly trying to avoid crying. She runs a hand through her hair.

"Are you mad at me?" he asks quietly.

She looks back at him and almost says 'No, I'm just disappointed' which is true but she generally tries to avoid sounding like her parents so instead she quirks an eyebrow. "What do you think? You lied to the _police_ , James! This is serious."

"Not that!" he snaps, then he catches himself and lowers his voice, "The _other_ thing."

Natasha blinks. "What?"

Bucky looks like he wants to hit something. "You _know_!" he snarls. "The other thing... Don't make me say it."

For a moment Natasha stares at him. "James, why would I be mad at you for that?" (Not like she hadn't worked it out a long time ago - Bucky's never been great at subtlety - in fact she's pretty sure their parents know too.)

"Because it's _wrong_." he spits through gritted teeth. Then his eyes go wide, "Don't tell mom and dad. Please, Natasha, don't tell mom and dad!" And he sounds so honestly terrified that she takes a few steps back.

"I don't want them to send me back," he whispers. "I _can't_ be sent back."

_Oh._

"I won't tell them, James," she says soothingly. "But it won't matter to them anyway. It doesn't matter to me either, you know that."

"It'll matter to _them,_ " he spits. "Your Dad wants the perfect son. Instead he got _me_."

"That's not true, James," she says quietly.

He looks unconvinced but this is a long conversation that can be left for another day (when they aren't shacked up in a motel on a legally questionable road trip) "We need to talk about what you said to Loki."

Bucky stands up, clenches his jaw.

"Don't be a child."

He glares at her, "He was pissing me off Tasha, you know how he is! Poor little rich kid doesn't get enough of daddy's love and money!"

" _James,_ " she says sharply.

"Oh, don't act all high and mighty, you hated it too!"

Natasha exhales heavily. "But I didn't hate _him_. And you don't either. Why did you lie to the police, James?"

"Was easier then telling the truth," he mumbles.

"Which was?"

"That I was a dick."

She snorts, "Well that's nothing new." She says playfully.

He looks up at her sharply but his expression softens when he sees her small smile. "I didn't want to get in trouble." He says quietly. "I just didn't want to get in trouble..."

She thinks about the little bag of cocaine she found in his drawers, "Why did you think you'd get in to trouble?"

"They'd find out about me and Tony," Bucky mumbles. "And the - you know..."

"The drugs?" she asks curtly.

He flinches at the word, "Yeah, Tasha, the drugs." He says all harsh vowels and cutting consonants. "They'd tell mom and dad and I'd be sent back for sure."

"Oh, James. You know they wouldn't," she says softly but she can tell by the look in his eyes that he truly believes they will. It's sort of heart-breaking. "You're my brother," she says firmly. "You're their son. You won't get sent back."

Bucky stares at her for a long time but when he finally looks about to say something they're interrupted by Clint barging carrying foam containers of food and beckoning them in to the other room. They follow and Natasha murmers a curse in Russian. In the other room Natasha seats herself between Bruce and Clint as Bucky drops back down on to one of the beds and looks away from her, tight lipped

"The diner did do take away!" Clint crows.

Natasha wrinkles her nose as they unpack the cartons. "Did you manage to get anything not swimming in grease?"

"Got you a salad, Nat," he says, handing her a specially marked container. "And, a chocolate shake." He waggles it invitingly.

Natasha glares at him (that shake is probably the worst thing she can drink right now- full of calories and fat and ugh) but she takes the shake anyway (damn him, damn him to _hell_ ) because chocolate is awesome. For a few minutes they wolf down their meals in silence, it's the first real food they've had all day, but then Steve, much to Natasha's annoyance, decides to break it.

"So, this thing about Bucky lying to the cops..." he says casually. "What actually happened there?"

He's met with silence until Tony speaks, "Come on, Buck, share with the class."

Bucky makes a low growling noise and Natasha glares at Tony, "Stark, leave it." she snaps.

Steve makes this weird expression that looks like a mix between doubt and concern, "No, Natasha, with all due respect I want to hear the full story." He twists slightly so he's facing Bucky and Bucky swallows thickly.

"What happened there, Buck?" Steve asks gently and it feels all wrong. Steve and Bucky are never _gentle_ together, not that she sees anyway. They're rough and tumble, good red-blooded American boys, playful and snarky and like best friends are meant to be. Now Steve's treating Bucky like he was made of glass, like he's something to be approached with caution.

Bucky notices it too. "I don't-" he mumbles thickly, "I just..." he stares at Steve dumbly for a few seconds and there's a hot curl of anger building in Natasha's chest.

"Steve - " she begins, intending to fill him in and at least save Bucky the embarrassment of spelling in front of everyone but Tony cuts her off.

"Stop defending him, Natasha! He lied to the fucking _police_. He could have saved everyone a lot of hassle if he wasn't such an asshole and now you're acting like _I'm_ the bad guy here!"

She turns to him, ready to launch a tirade of angry curses but Bucky stands up, "Fuck this, I'm going to bed." He mutters.

"What?" Tony says, smiling charmingly, "You don't want to sleep in here with Steve?"

Bucky pales, Steve reddens and Natasha snaps, raising her fist to Tony's face. It's caught by Clint before it can make contact and when she opens her mouth she's cut off by Bruce snapping, "Why the hell are you being such a dick about this, Tony?"

Everyone falls silent because it's _Bruce_ who's shouting. Calm, collected, quiet Bruce who doesn't hate or hurt anyone. Right now he doesn't look like that Bruce. His jaw is clenched, his eyes are dark with rage, his fists are clenched, he looks for all the world like a man about to explode.

"Whoa, Bruce," Tony says, holding up his hands. "Easy there big guy, calm down."

" _No_. I will not calm down!" Bruce yells. "You're all acting like fucking children and it's driving me fucking _insane._ " He stands up, "Tony stop being such a petty fuck, Bucky sit the hell down, Natasha control yourself and CLINT STOP CHEWING WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN."

Clint's mouth clicks shuts, Tony's hangs open and Bucky drops back on to the bed, eyes wide. Natasha just stares.

Bruce massages his temples, "Shit guys, I'm sorry." He sits down shakily. "I just...A lot of stress, you know."

Steve smiles weakly, "It's alright buddy, you're right. We were being childish. I'm sorry."

Clint nods, opens his mouth, closes it again and swallows, "Sorry, Bruce."

"Sorry," Tony mutters sounding anything but.

Natasha looks away stormily. So maybe what Bucky's done is serious but that doesn't give Tony leeway to be a complete dick to her brother. "I'm sorry, Bruce." she huffs.

Bruce smiles feebly. "It's okay, I'm sorry."

Natasha looks up to where Bucky is still sitting on the bed; white knuckled clenching the sheet and trembling a little. "James?"

Steve turns too, "Bucky?" he stands up, frowning, "You okay, buddy?" He reaches out but Bucky flinches away.

" _Don't_ ," he buries his face in his hands. "Sorry," he murmers, "Sorry, sorry, sorry. I just need some air, okay?" He pushes off the bed and stumbles out of the door, shutting it soundly behind him. Steve stares after him for a few moments, looking a little lost, he turns to them briefly before following Bucky. Natasha moves to follow them but Clint holds her back, shaking his head.

"Wait a little bit, Tasha." He says quietly.

* * *

Clint and Natasha leave a few minutes after Steve and Bucky and for a few moments Tony just sits. _He's really fucked this up._

"Guess we better clean this up," Bruce says slightly awkwardly, beginning to collect up the empty food containers. Tony nods and sweeps the containers nearest him into the empty plastic bag nearby. He glances up at Bruce briefly.

Until today he'd never seen Bruce loose it in such a big way.

"Bruce, are you sure you're okay?"

Bruce looks over at him and smiles reassuringly, "I'm fine, Tone. Really."

Tony bites his lip, "I'm sorry, Bruce."

"Tony, it's fine, really. Are _you_ okay?"

Tony sighs. "Yes...No...I don't know. I'm just so fucking worried about Loki and then Bucky goes and tells me that and...Shit, I was wrong to tell Steve about him wasn't I?"

Bruce grimaces, "Yeah, but what he did was serious, you were just angry."

"Still shouldn't have done it," Tony murmers. "Hey, what did Peter have to say anyway?"

"They've got police investigating in New York right now, haven't found anything yet though."

"Yeah, well that's 'cos they don't know Loki like we do." Tony says.

Bruce nods, tying up their now full rubbish bag. "Do you really think we'll find him?" he asks quietly.

Tony's heart sinks a little. He knows Natasha thinks Loki's dead and that this is useless, he knows Steve and Clint are probably just going along with this to keep him happy but he always thought Bruce at least would have some faith.

"Of course we will, big guy." He says but he's not entirely sure how much he believes it anymore.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the guys finally reach NYC (sort of)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a while, sorry! Meant to get this up over Christmas but _things._
> 
> ANYWAY so this is Tasha's pov again because gender equality. I think there'll be maybe four more chapters (Bruce and Steve's) Thinking of doing Steve's next (I promise i won't make it all about Bucky) :P
> 
> Thanks a bunch for all the feedback :D

The sheets in the motel are scratchy and Tasha's one hundred percent sure she can feel bed bugs moving around beneath her. Clint's snoring beside her (they both decided it would be better to give Bucky some space) he's sprawled out like a kid, one arm slung loosely across her waist and she doesn't have the heart to shake him off. They've slept together before, this isn't anything new, but it's the first time they've been the only two in the bed together.

She rolls to face him, jostles his arm and he smiles slightly as he pulls her closer. Despite herself she grins. Maybe it could work between her and Clint. He wasn't like most of the guys she'd met. He understood her, saw her for everything, not just her looks and he didn't seem to expect anything from her. He was just content to just _be_ with her. Even if she didn't reciprocate.

She rolls over again, presses her back to his chest. His arm tightens around her.

On the other bed Bucky's balled up, twitching slightly in his sleep. She wonders, not for the first time, what he dreams about. He whines a little and grimaces and she decides she doesn't want to know.

"You still awake?" Clint murmurs, grip going slack.

Tasha pretends she doesn't miss it, "Did I wake you?" She tries not to sound too apologetic, that's not exactly her style.

He hums sleepily and rolls away from her. "We have to be up at stupid o'clock, stop thinking and go to sleep." She sighs, he tuts, "You know it's okay to be pissed at Tony, right? He's an asshole. But what Bucky did was way worse than what Tony did."

Natasha tenses, "Bucky made a mistake. Tony did that just to be a vindictive little shit."

Clint chuckles at that so she aims a sharp kick at his shins. Clint swears, "Now who's being a vindictive little shit?"

Tasha growls. "Wouldn't you be angry? If Tony had done something like that to Barney?"

Clint snorts, "Barney is a delinquent asshole but I suppose, yeah I would be pissed. But think about it, Bucky's info could have been useful. Maybe they woulda focused less on investigating Odin. They might have caught up with him."

He's right. As usual. She sighs again, "You really still think he's alive?"

Clint grins. "Go to sleep, Tasha."

* * *

Tony wakes up to the soft early morning sunlight pouring through the net curtains of the motel windows. He yawns, stretches, enjoys the few sleepy moments before reality comes back to him. Bruce and Steve are still asleep, their snores the only sound filling the room.

He thinks back to his first few days in Malibu, he had sat beside Bruce in chemistry and his eyes had strayed far too often to Loki, sat at the front of the class. "I wouldn't, if I were you." Bruce had said after a few lessons.

Tony had scoffed, "Neither would I, if I looked you." (Not his proudest moment but that had been back when Tony had been a spoilt rich brat – his inner Loki snorts, _like you're any different now_.) Bruce hadn't even batted an eyelid. Tasha had been sitting behind them, she'd leant forward and kicked Tony's stool out from under him much to the class's amusement.

" _Apologise._ " She'd said simply.

Tony had snarked and glowered and been sent to the principal's office for using some very un-gentlemanly words. Fury had quirked his eyebrows when Tony had swaggered in and dropped his father's name into the conversation and Fury had chuckled and showed Tony what was what. Suffice to say Tony had apologised next lesson.

Bruce had smiled warmly, "No worries, I was the new kid once too. Beside if you hadn't apologised I was looking forward to Loki's brother beating you half to death to defend Loki's honour. Or at least for Tasha to kick you about some more."

Tony had raised an eyebrow. "Well, I'm glad you decided to be the bigger man here, Banner."

And Bruce had laughed.

Tony smiles at the memory. It feels like so long ago.

He'd started hanging out with the other's pretty quickly after that, hurriedly agreeing with Bruce when he'd seen Thor for the first time on the football field ploughing through the opposite team like a hot knife through butter. He wonders how Thor is doing, if Howard's even noticed he's gone yet.

He'd left a note on the fridge but there was no guarantee his father had read it.

He should call.

He swings himself out of the bed and grabs his phone off the bedside table. _6:15_ , the little screen blinks. Far too early for anyone sane to be up but still, he can at least leave a message.

He pulls on a pair of jeans and a clean top and slips out of the room quietly. The morning air is pleasantly cool; it's almost enough to make him start being more of a morning person. Almost. Not quite though. He's just about to dial the number when he notices Tasha reclining elegantly against the wall between their two doors, a cigarette dangling loosely from her mouth.

"Stark," she greets.

"Romanoff. Those things will kill you, you know."

Tasha flicks the cigarette away and Tony is suddenly very aware that she could very probably snap his neck. "Wasn't there a Russian dynasty of Romanoff's?" he asks idly.

She quirks her mouth up into what might pass for a smirk. "That was Roman _ov._ "

"Right," Tony says, "Because that's different."

Tasha's smile slips inelegantly from her lips. "You know Stark, what you did to my brother yesterday was low even for you."

Tony swallows. "He lied to the police, Natasha. I'm not sorry for what I said."

"You should be," she growls.

A hot flash of anger coils its way through Tony's stomach. "What part of _lying_ to the _police_ don't you get, Romanoff?"

She looks like she's about to hit him but she must think better of it because instead she pushes off the wall and stalks back into the other room. Tony barely bites back the urge to shout something after her and dials his father's number.

* * *

When they pile back into the best up old van Bucky slides into the driver's seat, Steve stares at him for a bit before he nods and rides shotgun. After that the drive is awkwardly quiet until Clint suggests a game of I-Spy which some hoe degenerates into a quiet shouting match between him and Tasha over whether or not 'wind' is allowed to be used.

By the time they pull into the motel just outside of NYC Tony is about ready to kill someone. Or at least take a leaf out of his dad's book and drink the anger away.

Not that he can do either because it's like, illegal.

Bruce comes in with him to pay for the rooms, he went for two again because yeah, he could afford one each but he isn't exactly feeling generous right then. The guy at the counter is overweight, bald, has some serious body odour issues and _godammit_ he hums when Tony signs his name.

"Stark? _Stark?_ Now where've I heard that before?"

Tony rolls his eyes, "Game of Thrones, perhaps?"

The guy gives him an amused look. "Naw, it weren't there. I don't watch that shit, way too complicated."

"Well, dads a little famous," Tony sighs.

The man nods, "Ya don't say." But then he has a sudden epiphany, "AH! I got it! You guys wait here a second..." He ducks into the room behind the counter.

"Think he wants your autograph, Tone?" Bruce asks, grinning quietly at Tony's side.

Tony shakes his head. This is the last thing he needs. When the man reemerges he's brandishing an envelope, "Some kid stayed here a few weeks back. Left this."

Tony snatches the envelope from the man, rips it open.

"Loki?" Bruce asks, eyes wide.

"Think so."

"What's it say?"

" _Guy's,_ " Tony reads, " _If you're reading this you've some how managed to follow me out here, God knows how but I'm assuming it wasn't strictly legal. I'm also assuming Tony's paying because this is the fanciest motel for miles. Here's the thing: I want you to stop following me. Even though I know you won't. This is something I need to do guys and I'm not coming back until I've done it. I don't expect you to understand just know that I'll come back and if I don't well, hopefully I'm better off."_

Bruce raises his eyebrows, "We need to tell the others."

"Definitely."

* * *

It's Clint who breaks the silence after Tony's done reading, "So what? He's out here looking for something?"

"Could be," Bruce nods.

"He just found out he was adopted, he's probably looking for his parents." Steve points out.

"Someone needs to tell Thor about this," Tasha murmurs.

Steve stands up, "Absolutely." He draws out his mobile and steps out of the room. Like magic Bucky sighs and relaxes. Tony glares at him and Bucky looks away.

"If he's looking for his parents in New York he musta seen something about them, right? I mean why else would he come half way across the country?" Clint says.

"Yeah, maybe that's what he was arguing about with his dad that night?" Tony suggests, it makes sense right? Loki finds out he's adopted, stews for a few weeks before trying to find out who his real parents were.

Bruce frowns, "Wouldn't it have made more sense for him to have, you know, found out who they were legally rather than running away?"

"You can't," Bucky says from his corner, everyone turns to him. He sighs, picking absently at a frayed hole in his jeans. "Not until you're eighteen, anyway. And even then it's only if the parents gave their consent. _Normally_ anyway."

"Normally?" Tony repeats, eyes narrowed. Maybe there's a little mire bite than necessary but Tony's pretty sure Bucky deserves it.

Bucky gives them an exasperated look, "This is _Odin_ we're talking about here."

"He's got a point," Bruce frowns. "This _is_ Odin. What if this isn't a normal adoption?"

Tony snorts, "What like he _kidnapped_ him or something?" But then he stops and thinks. "Holy shit."


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Steve starts to realise how fucked he really is.

Steve steps back into the room, pocketing his mobile. Thor had been ecstatic threatening to come join them but Steve had managed to convince him to stay put just in case. They're sat in a circle, Bucky on one of the beds. He tenses as soon as Steve steps in and Steve inwardly growls. _This isn't right._

"So if Odin kidnapped him..." Bruce begins, falters a little and continues, "If Odin kidnapped what are we thinking? He steals him, falsifies the documents and then what? Goes to England until the heat dies down?"

If Steve were capable of coherent thought right now he might suggest that even someone like Odin wouldn't steal a kid... Right? I mean sure, he gets that Odin isn't the best guy around, he's heard about his shady underworld from Thor but running drugs and guns and laundering money and _kidnap_ are two completely separate categories. The again he remembers Thor mentioning that his Dad had changed a lot since he was young. Maybe Odin had been capable of kidnap once upon a time.

"Could be," Tasha nods. "So he must have taken Loki from a rival, right? I mean he had Thor, why kidnap a kid randomly? Maybe we need to start there."

There's this awkward silence in which Steve's betting their all trying to picture a gang war going _that_ wrong. The trouble is aside from Odin he's fairly certain none of them know of any other crime family that Odin could have been warring with. He glances around at them: Bruce is too good a kid, Tony's too wrapped up in his own Father's rivals to worry about the ones on the wrong side of the law, Clint's brother maybe but Steve thinks Tasha keeps Clint's nose out of trouble and then there's Bucky. Up until a few days ago Steve would have dismissed Bucky as easily as the others but now? He tries to catch his best friend's eyes but Bucky's gaze is fixed on the floor.

Steve's fairly sure life couldn't be more messed up right now if it tried.

"Buck?" He says gently. Bucky tenses more (if that's at all possible) and his fists clench, "You know anything?" He doesn't want to say it. Doesn't want to say _do you happen to know anything because of your coke habit?_ Because right now he's sort of pretending that didn't happen (because _god_ how did he not see it? How did he not see _any_ of it?)

Bucky inclines his head, "I dunno...Maybe." Tasha reaches back to pat his leg, slung over the each of the bed and Bucky takes a deep breath. "The guy I... The guy I buy from - he used to work for this guy called Luffy? Laffee? Something like that... Anyway, apparently he used to be a real big deal. Got knocked down a few notches fifteen years ago now. Now he's pretty small. Heard he's based in Brooklyn now, trying to get back in the game. Could be him right?" He looks up nervously and it breaks Steve's heart a little. (When did this start happening?)

"That's good, Buck." Steve says, smiling as encouragingly as he can, Bucky's gaze drops back to the bed spread and Tony's pulling out his laptop and booting it up.

"If he used to be a big time criminal there'll be something on the web about him," he says, by way of explanation.

"Good idea," Steve nods. "So we head to Brooklyn, hope he's somewhere obvious?"

"He won't be," Tony mutters. "If Loki doesn't want to be found he won't be unless we look really hard."

Steve sighs, he's right. Of course he's right. Loki was hard enough to find in their tiny school when he was bunking classes, Steve can't imagine trying find that kid in New York.

"I've got my friends on the look out," Tony says as he taps away. "We can stay with Rhodey too so we don't have to worry about bed bugs anymore."

Bruce is leaning over and directing Tony's search and Steve's mind wanders back to Bucky. They've been best friends since _forever._ Steve knew Bucky way back when he was that kid with clothes two sizes too big who lived in the children's home down the road. He'd known Bucky through each foster family, each new hope, each crushing defeat as they shipped him back to the children's home. The other kids used to tease Bucky about but he fought back to hard for it to make a real impact and Steve was still that scrawny kid with asthma who got pushed around even more and fought back just as hard. He guesses they bonded over that. Their inability to back down. He thinks they're all like that, all these kids he calls his friends. Bruce and Clint with their crappy dads, Tony with his big gaping wound where tenderness should be that he covers up with sarcasm, Tasha with her fuck-you-you-who-cares-if-I'm-a-woman attitude, Thor who's so desperate to keep his family together, Loki and apparently Bucky who're fucking messes but keep going. Steve feels a little in awe of them.

"Laufey," Tony says eventually. "Laufey Jotunheim," he looks up at Bucky. "That sound right?" When Bucky nods Tony and Bruce pour over the laptop screen. "He was arrested in '95. That's the year Loki was born right? No mention of a kid though..." He spins the laptop and they're faced with the image of a man so pale his skin is almost translucent. His hair is close cropped, dark from what Steve can tell and his eyes are this warm brown colour that look almost red against the pallor of his skin. There's something of Loki in the smirk that's playing across his lips. He thinks Tasha sees it too.

"Shit," she breaths. "Shit. Is this real? Do we really Odin kidnapped him?"

"Well from what it says in that report Odin might have been saving him," Bruce says, readjusting his glasses. "Laufey sounds like a nasty piece of work."

"So, what if he actually finds the guy?" Clint asks.

And Steve takes a deep breath because he's been thinking the same thing. "Look," he says, as steadily as possible. "Loki would be worth more alive to him than dead."

"Unless he wants to hurt Odin, then surely he'd be happier to kill him," Clint counters unhelpfully. Tasha cuffs him and he looks genuinely surprised.

"Well if that was the plan they'd have found a body," Steve says. "I mean Laufey would want Odin to know."

"There haven't been any ransom demands either," Tasha adds. "So Loki must not have found him yet."

"That's a good thing," Tony says, "Definitely a good thing."

Steve's about to suggest they start figuring out a plan for how they're going to find Loki but Bucky interrupts, his voice cutting across the room sharply, " _Or_ Laufey was pretty happy when his long lost son came back to him and he and Loki are playing happy families."

Steve sighs and Tony glares at Bucky, "The fuck is wrong with you? This guy is a dangerous fucking criminal and you're trying to make him out to be father of the year."

"I didn't say that-" Bucky protests and Steve stands up, he is _not_ dealing with this again.

"Enough!" He snaps and like before when Bruce yelled Bucky's gaze drops and the fight vanishes from him immediately (and its disturbing in so many more ways than Steve can count but right now he needs them both relatively calm.) "This isn't going to help Loki. We need to stay calm. Buck's theory is valid, Tony. Laufey might be overjoyed, I mean that's what Loki wrote isn't it? That he might be better off?"

"He's a _criminal,_ " Tony growls.

"So's Odin," Tasha points out.

"And he's a better dad than mine ever was," Clint adds.

Tony grinds his teeth but says nothing and Bucky stands up and stalks outside (again.)

"Guess we better call it a night," Steve says wearily, getting up to follow Bucky.

* * *

Tony glares after Bucky and hopes the fucker feels it (he knows that's a bit of a stretch but he _deserves_ it) Clint and Tasha leave for their room and Tony's left alone with Bruce who's watching him closely.

"It wouldn't be so bad," Bruce says quietly as Tony's brushing his teeth (it seems absurd to be doing something so _normal_ after uncovering a potential kidnapping case) "If Laufey was happy to see Loki, I mean. It's better than the alternative anyway."

Tony drops his toothbrush with a clatter. "I just hope he hasn't found him yet." He says, striding back in to the main room.

"What are you so afraid of?" Bruce asks softly. "If Loki's happier here then..."

Tony cuts him off, "No, he's -" but he pauses because _he's not allowed to be_ sounds a little too selfish but he has no idea how to phrase it. "It's just we're his family, Bruce. Why does he need anyone else? What about us and Thor? What about school? What about the tree house? What about-" he falters before he says _me._

Bruce quirks a eyebrow, "You've got it bad, huh?"

Tony's always known Bruce was too sharp to hide things from.

* * *

Bucky's sat on the roof of the van, gazing up at the clouded sky. "Fuck off, Steve." He says after a few moments and damn, he sounds like the old Bucky, _Steve's_ Bucky.

Steve leans up against the side, "Free country, Buck." At least he's talking this time. Last time he followed Bucky out they sat in silence until Bucky had stood up and left. Steve scrambles around for something to say but luckily Bucky saves him.

"You guys don't get it," he says quietly.

Steve looks up, "Hm?"

"You don't get what it's like to not know where you come from." He clarifies. "To not know who you are. It's weird. You feel like stuff like that shouldn't matter but it does. It eats at you. There's this little voice that tells you don't belong and it just... You spend a lot of time wondering who they were, why they gave you up, why you weren't good enough. Who you'd be if they hadn't."

This is a taboo topic between them. They don't talk about the things that really matter, not usually anyway.

Bucky swallows, "If it means anything now, I'm sorry."

Steve blinks, "Sorry for what, Buck?"

"For fucking up," he huffs, rubs a hand across his eyes. "For... I didn't mean it, Steve."

Steve really wants to hug him right now and tell him that none of that matters to him and he'll still be there for him and all that crap but he can't reach Bucky up there and his mouth has chosen this moment to stop cooperating. "It's okay, Buck." He says thickly.

Bucky takes a deep breathe, "I don't have any idea what to do, Steve." He says quietly.

And Steve steps back from the van to look up at Bucky better, "We'll deal with it, okay? We'll deal with it all once we've found Loki."

Bucky turns to him, "Right." He says stiffly. "After Loki."


	11. Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOOK WHO'S ALIVE GUYS.
> 
> it's been like forever, sorry. i'm aiming to get most of my fanfics finished by the end of the month, don't ask me how it's going. but, i do have the rest of this planned out (finally!) so we have an ending. (of sorts anyway)
> 
> also, i'm finally editting/reworking this fic woo~ haven't made it all the way through yet though. the russian in chapter whatever is fixed up though, thanks to BraveKate for the edits.
> 
> ANYWAY, as always, unbeta'd, thanks a bunch for the feedback and i hope you like~

Steve follows Tony's directions when they get to New York and eventually (after getting lost twice) they pull up in front of a huge townhouse in the mid afternoon. "Rhodey's parents are off in London for a month so we're good to stay here."

The house is hallway alone is about the size of Steve's living room and its lavishly furnished with things that Steve's fairly sure his mother has dreamt of. They drift in behind Tony, gazing around and hovering awkwardly. It's only when they've set up camp (quite literally) in the front room that Tasha says what everyone's thinking, "So now what?"

And Clint nods along with her, "Yeah, I mean New York is a pretty big place. How the hell are we meant to find him?" 

Steve's inclined to agree. 

"Awh, come on guys!" Tony says, in what Steve thinks is supposed to be an optimistic tone, "We can find him, I mean how many guys do you know who dress all in black and green and answer to the name of a Norse deity?" 

"Goths?" Clint suggests as Bucky mutters, "Right, because he won't be using a false name or anything." Tony glares at him and Steve thinks that this time he just might let Tony smack some sense into his best friend. 

"He's right though," Tasha interjects, "I mean Odin's a pretty well known guy, Loki going missing was, like, world wide news. There's no way he'll be using his real name." 

Tony makes an odd growling sound, "Right. So, _James_ , how would you suggest we find him?"

Bucky glowers around at everyone and Steve's pretty sure he's weighing up whether to snark off or to actually be helpful. "We find Laufey," he says eventually.

"Give that boy a medal," Tony mutters. "He's _clearly_ some sort of genius."

" _Fine_ ," Bucky spits. "Fine. I don't actually _care_ about finding him, I'm only here because you guys dragged me here."

"No ones keeping you here, _James_ ," Tony growls. "And no one will stop you if - "

Steve has had enough. He stands up and glares at the both, "For God's sake, Tony! Will you just _stop_?" They're both staring at him, open mouthed. "And _you_ , Bucky, just calm down. What were you gonna say?" 

Bucky shifts and swallows, "I - uh - I was gonna say my old dealer he, uh, he's in New York now. He used to work for Laufey so I thought maybe... I mean it might not get us _to_ Laufey, but..." 

Tony actually looks kind of embarrassed. "No," Steve says, "That's good, it's the best we've got. Can you get in contact with him?" 

"Um, yeah. I think I've still got his number... I'll go see..." He stands up awkwardly and shuffles over to the door. As soon as he's gone Natasha kicks Tony in the shin, "You better apologise when he gets back. Then you two can sort yourselves out and stop acting like children."

Tony nods apologetically and Clint touches Tasha's shoulder gently, "We should go grab some food for everyone."

Tasha nods, “I need to speak to Steve first, okay?” She jerks her head for Steve to follow her out of the room and Steve steels himself for moment before following. She’s leaning against the wall, head bowed. “Do you think this is a good idea?” she asks when he comes to a stop beside her.

Steve exhales, he doesn’t know. Going out of their way meet a well known criminal probably isn’t the best idea but it’s the only one they’ve got. “We don’t have much choice.” he says eventually and she nods.

“We could call the police, you know.” She says quietly, looking down at her feet. “If we don’t, someone will get hurt.”

“Yeah, probably. But the police work slowly and who knows how many crooked cops there are in New York.”

Natasha smirks at him, “Well this is a day I never thought I’d see, Steve Rogers doubting our great country?”

He smiles weakly at her. “It might have taken me a while, Tasha, but I’m starting to realise that that world my parents taught me about doesn’t exist.”

She smiles, "Well, welcome to the real world."

******

Tony goes with Clint and Natasha to get food, he leads them to the pizzeria he used to go to with Rhodey and Pepper. It’s killing him, being this close to Loki (if Loki’s even here.) He jumps every time he sees someone with dark hair, someone who’s Loki’s height. The streets of New York are crowded, it’s the perfect place to disappear.

They take their time walking back to the house even though Clint whines that the pizza will get cold. Steve and Bruce are waiting for them and they can hear Bucky’s voice from somewhere upstairs. Tony turns on the tv as they eat, settling on some inane procedural cop drama that no one really pays attention to. They eat. They wait.

Bucky shuffles in just in time to snatch the last two slices away from Clint and says, “Alexi said he’d meet us at a party later tonight. If you guys still want to do this.” 

Okay, so Tony feels a little bad about being so dismissive of him early but that doesn’t mean that he has to be _nice_ to Bucky - he’s still the reason Loki’s gone after all. (Well, one reason amongst many.) He squares his shoulders, “Alright, so what’s the plan?”

Bucky eyes meet his briefly, “I told him we’d had enough of Malibu and came up here for some fun. He still works for Laufey and I’ve got an idea about how we get to him.” He looks up, expectantly and Tony rolls his eyes.

“Go on, Buck,” Steve says encouragingly. _Seriously?_

“We need Tony. See, Laufey’s still setting up, right? So more than buyers he’s going to need investors.”

“Wait,” Tony raises a hand to cut him off. “You want me to _invest_ in a drug empire?”

“Well, it’d make sense right?” Bucky says hesitantly, “I mean you’re the only son of a billionaire, all you have to do is act like you’re doing it as a big fuck-you to your dad. I mentioned it to Alexi, I can talk him into sorting out a meeting or something…”

“Okay, am I the only one who thinks this is completely _insane_?” Bruce interjects. “I mean come on guys, we’re talking about meeting up with a really, _really_ bad guy here. This is going to blow up in our faces.”

Tony sort of agrees but this is also the strongest lead they’ve got on Loki, he slings an arm around Bruce’s shoulders, “Come on, Bruce. We’ve come this far.” 

“This is crazy, Tony,” Bruce hisses. “ _Crazy._ ”

Tony tries to smile encouragingly, "Yeah, but crazy is kinda of our thing, right?" 

Bruce shrugs him off, "This isn't funny, Tone. You guys could get yourself killed." 

"They won't get killed," Tasha says. "I won't let them, don't worry so much - okay?"

He sits back moodily, "Well, I still don't like it."

"None of us do," Steve says, "but unless anyone's got a better plan...?"

No one does apparently so Tony sighs, "Well, I hope everyone's up for a party. I know I didn't exactly pack for playing angry little rich boy but I'm sure I can whip something up from Rhodey's closet."

******

The party is in the penthouse suite of an apartment block in Brooklyn. The music is loud and repetitive and the air is heavy and warm and smokey, all of this combines to give Steve a pounding headache - which is exactly why he usually avoids these kinds of places. 

"Alright," he says, as they hover in the doorway, "We stick to the plan, right?" It's only him, Bucky, Tony and Natasha - Clint and Bruce elected not to come. 

Bucky steps forward, its unnerving how easily he seems to fit in with these people. "I'll go find Alexi, you guys stay out of trouble." And then he's gone, vanishing amongst the crowd of people. "I'll keep an eye on him," Natasha says, disappearing after him.

Steve sighs. He has _such_ a bad feeling about tonight. "Guess that leaves me and you, Tony." 

"Hur _ray_ ," Tony mutters, "Lets go get a drink." 

Steve spends the next half hour watching Tony knock back illegal shots and chat up girls, he tries to remind himself that Tony's just playing the part but mostly, he just misses Peggy. He hasn't spoken to her since they left, he keeps meaning to but he has _no_ idea how he's going to explain this all to her. He turns down two girls who more scantily clad than Steve thought was possible before Natasha slinks over to them looking less than pleased. 

"He's found his drug dealer," she mutters. "Get Tony and follow me." 

Steve ends up having to bodily drag Tony away from the girl he's talking too and they follow Tasha through to a room with strobe lights ( _strobe lights_.) It doesn't take long for Steve to work out why she looks so unimpressed. Alexi is a well built man with short dark hair and what looks like a permanent smirk, he's sat on couch, legs up on a coffee table strewn with half empty bottles of alcohol and pills. Bucky's next to him. In fact Bucky's pretty much in the guy's _lap_. Alexi has an arm tight around Bucky's shoulder and he quirks an eyebrow at them, "And _who_ are you three?"

Bucky blinks up at them and grins, his pupils are blown wide and something cold unfurls itself in Steve 's chest. "Oh, Alexi, these are my friends," he says gesturing vaguely. Then he stands, unsteadily, and clambers over the table to clasp Tony's shoulder, "And this is Mr Tony Stark." 

"Ah, so you're the one he was on about," Alexi says, eyeing Tony thoughtfully. He extends a hand a Tony smirks before he takes it. "Bucky tells me you've got some money to spend," Alexi says.

Tony rolls his eyes, "Oh, yeah, you know only a couple of a million. Nothing lavish or anything." 

Alexi chuckles, "Okay. This could work. Bucky, why don't you take your friends and go have fun while I talk to Tony?" He says it like he's talking to a little kid and it makes Steve's blood boil (and by the way Tasha's jaw is clenched she isn't pleased either.) Bucky doesn't seem to mind though, he nods and bounds over to them to lead them out. 

As soon as they're out of the room Steve grabs him by the shoulder and yanks him back it hiss in his ear, "How high _are_ you?" 

Bucky shrugs him off, "Awh, come on Steve, I'm just playing the part." 

" _James_ ," Natasha snaps, "This isn't fucking funny!"

Bucky snorts, "Yeah, okay, I'm getting a fucking drink." And then he's pulling away and disappearing into the crowd.

******

Tony doesn't emerge from Alexi's room for another half hour and when he does he's smiling. Steve sighs with relief. "I think we're good," Tony says, a little breathlessly. "He's going to see about setting up a meet with Laufey." Then he _giggles_. "Oh my god, Steve. I just had a sit down meeting with a criminal. This is fucking _awesome_."

Steve sighs, "Oh, good, you're drunk." 

"Hell yeah I'm drunk, Steve! Have _you_ ever tried to do something like that sober? No. Wait - wait, you're like one of _them_ aren't you? You don't drink! You should man, its good stuff. It makes you feel all warm, you know?"

Luckily, Steve's used to dealing with drunk people so he smiles weakly and gently guides Tony towards the door (where he hopes Natasha is waiting.) "Yeah, well I'm the driver, remember? I can't drink unless you guts want to end up in a car wreck."

"Ah, that sucks," Tony says, patting his arm sympathetically. The music shifts abruptly to what Steve's pretty sure is a Kesha song and Tony says, "Hey! I love this song."

Steve really kind of wishes he had a video camera. "Yeah, not when you're sober."

He gets Tony to Natasha who has apparently spent the last half hour more productively than he has, "I talked to some guys, found a couple of Laufey's," she hisses before eyeing Tony. "Okay, how the hell are you so drunk?" 

Tony shrugs, "When a criminal who probably has a gun invites you to drink, you drink." 

"Just get him to the van," Steve says, pushing Tony towards her. "I'll find Bucky." 

Natasha looks like she might protest for a minute but then Tony leans against her and says very loudly, "So what's up with you and Clint? Are you guys not boning yet?" And Natasha's cheeks colour and she hurries him out of the penthouse.

Finding Bucky is fortunately pretty easy; he's dancing with a girl and a guy, the kind of dancing that would probably make Steve's mother faint. He yanks Bucky away from them and ignores the girl glaring and muttering about jealous boyfriends. Bucky grins blearily up at him as Steve half drags, half carries him in the direction of the door, " _Steve_. You're like, _here_." 

Steve is really beginning to regret agreeing to this, "Yep, I'm here, Buck." 

Bucky leans heavily against him, "I'm sorry," he mumbles, "

Yeah, he's definitely regretting this. "Sorry for what, Buck?"

"Everything," Steve can barely hear him over the music. "Loki, this party, the time I gave you a cigarette and you threw up. 'M sorry I like you."

Steve _really_ doesn't want to deal with this right now. Or, like, _ever_. "It's okay," he says stiffly. Bucky stiffens.

"You're not okay," Bucky says, trying to pull away. 

Steve doesn't stop walking, drags Bucky with him. "Not now, okay, Bucky?" 

Bucky yanks him sharpely, Steve stumbles to a halt and Bucky stares up at him, "Steve," he rasps. 

(Steve can see Bucky leaning forward and pressing their lips together - he'd be clumsy, he'd taste like vodka and something sweeter - Steve would push him away and Bucky would stumble back with hurt in his eyes. Or maybe Steve wouldn't - )

"Sorry, Buck," is all Steve says. 

(Its okay, Bucky won't remember this in the morning.)

When he gets to the car he pushes Bucky into the back with Tony and clambers into the driver's seat. "Trouble?" Natasha asks, quirking an eyebrow.

Steve sighs, "Nothing I couldn't handle."


	12. Loki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yep, it's the moment you've all been waiting for!
> 
> definitely needs reworking though. enjoy~

Tony wakes up sprawled on a plush leather couch with a hangover that feels more akin to some bashing his brains in with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire. For a few pained moments his mind is blank and he's scrambling desperately for the reason he's on Rhodey's couch.

Oh. Right. New York. Drug dealers.

He sits up slowly, wincing in bright sunlight. The scent of bacon and eggs and other deliciously unhealthy food wafts through from the kitchen and his stomach rumbles queasily. Maybe he'll stick with toast. 

He stumbles into the kitchen a few minutes later, rubbing at his eyes and yawning. Clint, Bruce and Tasha are sat around the table while Steve cooks. "Morning," Tony yawns.

" _Afternoon_ ," Bruce corrects.

"You owe me five dollars," Clint says, clasping Bruce's shoulder. "We made beats on how long you'd be out. You drank _a lot_."

Bruce rolls his eyes and Natasha smirks into her coffee mug. 

"You guys are _awful_ ," Tony mutters, collapsing in to a chair. "You are awful, _horrible_ , bad people and as soon as we get through with this I am finding new friends." 

"Mm," Steve pushes a plate of food towards him. "Good luck with that." 

Tony picks at it. He's hungry but he's not entirely sure he won't just throw it back up so he stares mournfully at it until Bruce shoves two white pills under his nose along with a glass of water. Tony looks up at him, "You are my _favourite_ ," he says meaningfully and Bruce chuckles.

Tony swallows the pills, "So what time is it anyway? Did that Alexi guy give us a meeting time?" 

"It's almost two," Natasha answers. "And he called Bucky, he's gone to meet him. He's meant to text us when Alexi decides we can meet Laufey." 

"What _is_ our plan with that anyway?" Bruce asks.

For some reason everyone turns to Tony. "Uh, wing it?" 

" _Wing it_?" Steve repeats. "We're meeting a seriously dangerous criminal who may or may not be holding Loki hostage and your plan is to _wing it_." 

"Dude, we _never_ have a plan," Clint points out. 

"Well, maybe you guys don't but I'm not going in blind." Steve mutters. 

"Sure, let us know how that pans out," Tony says dismissively. 

_Plans._ Though Tony has to admit Bucky's plan is working out well, maybe Steve's won't be so bad. Maybe they'll need it. 

"I think Steve's right," Natasha says, "We need a plan. Especially about what we're going to do if we don't find Loki." 

Tony holds up a hand, he doesn't even want to think about _that_. They've come to far for this to all be for nothing. "He'll be there," he says firmly and Tasha gives him an almost sympathetic look. "He'll be there," he repeats. "You'll see." 

"Well either way there's no way we can make a plan until we know what's actually happening," Bruce points out. 

The pills start to kick in while Steve and Natasha are debating telling _someone_ about what they're planning so Tony tucks into his by now very cold breakfast. They're waiting two hours before Steve and Natasha start to get worried. "He _definitely_ should have called by now," Steve mutters. He's pacing up and down, it's driving Tony mad. 

"Wearing a hole in Tony's friend's rug isn't going to do anything," Natasha points out. She's perched on the back of the couch Tony woke up on, hands folded neatly in her lap. 

"Well, we've got to do _something_ ," Steve barks. "Have you tried calling again?" Natasha shoots him a look that Tony's pretty sure would make a lesser man cry. 

"We could call the police," Bruce suggests quietly. 

There's silence after that - Tony tries and fails to come up with a reason why they shouldn't. Tony still wants to say no, no cops, they'll never find Loki if they do. But now it’s not just Loki, it’s not just his call. Tasha and Clint are looking to Steve and Tony does too - Steve’s the voice of reason after all - and then Tony realises that he actually _trusts_ this guy. He _trusts_ Steve Rogers. _Fuck._

"Yeah," Steve says, "Yeah. We'll give it half an hour. Then we'll call." 

Bucky’s text comes through ten minutes afterwards - an address, a parking lot - twenty minutes. don’t call, it says and Natasha frowns, “Doesn’t sound like him.” 

Steve shakes his head, “No, it doesn’t.” 

Clint is glancing between them, he and Bruce are staying behind - they’ve already decided this. “So what do we do?” 

“We go,” Steve says firmly. “We’ll text if we need help, so keep alert, okay?”

“Right,” Bruce still doesn’t look convinced by their plans. “But if you guys aren’t back by like midnight I’m calling the cops.” 

-

The parking lot is almost as cliched as their current situation, Tony thinks. Isolated, half-empty, in the rougher part of Brooklyn. Alexi is there, leaning against a Mercedes, cigarette dangling lazily from his lips. There are three other guys that Tony vaguely recognises from the party, lounging around beside two black cars. _Totally not suspicious_.

The camper van shudders to a halt and Steve pauses before getting out, “Be careful.” he says quietly, with a meaningful look at Tony and Natasha. Tony falls in behind him without really meaning to - Steve’s bigger than him, okay? And Natasha walks somewhere in between, they stop a few feet away from Alexi and Natasha steps forward, “Where’s my brother?” 

Alexi grins, “I sent him on ahead. He’s waiting for us at our host’s home.” He takes a few steps towards them and as he does so he shifts his jacket and Tony catches a glimpse of what is very much a _gun_ and swallows. 

“So Laufey’s agreed to meet me?” Tony’s trying to sound cocky, like he was last night. He’s trying to be the brash rich kid who’s trying to get back at daddy by turning to crime. “Good, I was beginning to worry that he’d chickened out.”

Alexi chuckles, “Oh, he’s very _interested_ in meeting you, Tony. I think this could be the start of something _beautiful_.”

The hairs on the back of Tony’s neck stand up; there’s definitely something wrong here. He catches Steve’s eye and Steve gives an almost imperceptible nod - he’s noticed it too. 

“Now, if you lovely people will just chuck your phones in my friend’s bag we can be on our way,” Alexi says, waving for one of the men to step forward. The man holds out a black rucksack and looks at them expectantly. 

“You’re taking our phones?” Tony asks slowly, this wasn’t part of the plan. 

“A precaution, you understand,” Alexi says, with a dismissive wave. “We’ve got to be careful about who we meet with. If you’d rather not give us your phones I suppose we could always do this over the phone…”

Tony looks to Steve who nods, cautiously. “Alright,” he says, pulling out his iphone and dumping it in the rucksack. He grabs the man by the shirtfront, “Not a scratch, buddy. Alright?”

The man looks amused rather than intimidated, “Sure, kid. Whatever.” he says, pulling away. Steve puts his phone in next and then Natasha, sighing loudly just to make sure everyone knows she does _not_ support this idea. 

Alexi grins, "Great, now that's done we can get going. You guys can ride with me." He holds the doors open for them. Tony lets Steve ride shotgun. 

They drive for almost an hour, weaving around back alleys and main streets, Tony's pretty sure its to disorientate them. Unfortunately for Alexi he either underestimated Tony's genius or just failed to grasp that it could extend to something like this. Tony can tell that Natasha isn't fooled either, she's spent the entire trip gazing out of the window, brow furrowed. 

Eventually, they pull up in front of a sprawling mansion in the kind of neighbourhood Tony grew up in. Steve looks almost laughably shocked and Alexi chuckles as they roll to a stop in front of the ornate glass doors, "We thought warehouses and abandoned factories were a little cliche." 

He leads them into the large foyer, there are suited bodyguards wandering about but apart from that the house is still around them. "Come on," Alexi says, beckoning them down a corridor. One of the suited bodyguards follows, one hand on his holster. 

"They're leading us into a trap," Natasha says quietly. "We should run for it." 

"If we run for it they'll catch us," Tony hisses back.

"Quiet in the cheap seats!" Alexi yells. They reach the door at the end of the corridor and Alexi turns to them, grinning. "Sorry about this guys, you probably should have listened to your instincts there." 

The room is empty and lockable and Tony groans. The man behind them has drawn his gun, smirking idiotically. 

"Go on," Alexi says as they shuffle into the room. "I'm sure Mr Laufey will be along presently." 

"Where's my brother?" Natasha spits. 

Alexi chuckles before he shuts the door, "Oh, someone will bring him along in a while too." The click of the lock echose through the room and then they're alone.

Natasha sighs, "When we find Loki I am going to kill him." 

"I'll help conceal the evidence," Steve offers. 

Tony half wants to offer his services in transporting the body but he bites it back - _Loki didn't want this for us, he must have left for a **reason** , he must be here against his will - **must be**_. "We'll be alright," he says hollowly. Natasha glowers at him. She blames him for everything that's happening, he knows and maybe it is his fault but _fuck_ her because if this was Bucky or Clint she'd have done all of this and more, Steve too. 

-

The door swings open after an hour or so - Tony has thus far managed to annoy Steve to the point of him threatening _actual violence_ and narrowly avoided being kicked in the jaw by Natasha (it's not his _fault_ , okay? He's just a little on edge with the whole _being taken hostage by gangsters_ and after he'd counted all the patches kn the ceiling and the floorboards there wasn't much to do.) 

Alexi strides in dragging Bucky by the collar; Natasha and Steve both stand immediately. He's got a black eye, a cut on his forehead and he's struggling valiantly, eyes red rimmed, jaw clenched, limping slightly. "Let me _go,_ " he spits, raising his hands to try and loosen Alexi's grip; his knuckles are bloodied. Two bodyguards flank them, pistols drawn. _So much for making a break for it_ Tony thinks, (not that that had been the plan or anything - _too risky_ , Steve had said,)

A man strides in after Alexi and the bodyguards, tall, pale. Laufey. He's dressed sharply in a crisp dark suit, his hair is neat and he looks about with disdain. "I believe _this_ belongs to you," he says, with a little wave towards Bucky. Alexi lets him go with a small chuckle and Bucky glares at him, raising his fists. 

"Don't, boy," Laufey drawls. "If you do I may have to change my mind about letting you go, you were so _amusing_ after all." Bucky shudders a little at that then the fight leaves him and he slinks towards them, head bowed. 

"If you _touched_ him," Natasha begins, voice shaking with anger. 

"You'll _what?_ " Laufey sneers as Natasha falls silent, eyeing him up. "Come on, girl. Out with it." 

She takes a step forward and Tony has always been aware that Natasha could very probably kill a man but this is the first time he thinks she actually might. "I'll tear you to _pieces_." She says, very quietly in a voice that could cut steel. 

Laufey laughs, a deep, raspy noise. " _Wonderful._ You befriended the wrong sibling, Alexi. She's got far more potential than our dear James." 

Alexi smirks, "She's too strong for that, sir. You can tell just by looking."

Laufey nods, "Indeed. Now, about this little _situation_ we've found ourselves in..." 

Tony wants to say something but right now his brain is still trying to catch up with what's going on. He's drawn closer to Natasha and Steve, Bucky's standing a little behind them, Steve has one hand on his arm. "Let us go," Steve says calmly. "We've got Bucky, we don't have anything you want. Let us go and this doesn't need to get complicated." 

Laufey laughs again, "Let you _go_? Nonsense," his eyes alight on Tony and Tony abruptly Feels completely exposed. "Why would I let Howard Stark's only heir go without a fuss?"

Tony swallows, "So, what? You're holding me to ransom? I'm insured against kidnapping, you know. All it'll take is one phone call."

"Oh, I'm well aware of that, ten thousand dollars was it? But you see I know that your daddy can afford much, _much_ more." 

Tony chuckles, "And you think he'll just fork it over to you? You obviously haven't done your research, pal. Sending my dad my severed finger or whatever's in fashion with the kidnapping crowd these days will just get him mad at you for distracting him from his precious projects." 

Laufey smiles, "It's interesting that you're so insistent that your father cares very little for you. You know that's not true, however. Or maybe you _hope_ its not true. Most fathers in your father's situation, however, have at least some _affection_ for their sons." 

"What about your son?" The words slip out before Tony can stop them and Laufey grins again. 

"Ah, yes. My son; the reason you're here, I'm assuming? Sorry to disappoint you, children but I won't be telling you anything to that respect. He found me, yes. But I won't tell you what I did to him." 

_What I did to him_.

Tony sees red, he's about to launch himself at Laufey - crime boss or not - because he can't stop thinking about Loki _hurt - bleeding - dying - dead -_ Loki cold in the ground - but Natasha grabs his arm in a vice-like grip and yanks him back, "Don't be an idiot, Tony." She says quietly. 

"Yeah, Tony," Alexi mocks, "Don't be an idiot." 

Laufey shoots him a withering look. "Come on, we have a few phone calls to make." With that they leave, shutting the door and locking it behind them. 

“ _Assholes_ ,” Bucky snarls after them, raising a hand to wipe away the blood on his face. He only succeeds in smearing it more liberally across his skin and there’s this awkward moment where Steve catches his hand and says, “Let me,” and then proceeds to use the sleeve of his shirt to mop it up while Natasha pretends to be interested in her shoes and Bucky’s face burns. 

“Did you see Loki?” Tony asks, when Steve steps away.

Bucky sighs and shakes his head.

-

It gets to 11pm and Tony’s starting to panic. Like, really _panic_. There’s been no word from Laufey, no visits from any of his smug staff and Tony has no idea what’s going on. He knows that by this stage they must have contacted his dad or his dad’s lawyer or representatives or _whatever_ and this is very probably frontpage news (maybe he’ll even get a few news specials - oh, who is he kidding? Of _course_ he’ll get a few news specials out of this. Maybe a book deal. Maybe a _movie_.) But none of that matters now.

What matters is that he’s got them into this mess. His dad can pay and Laufey will milk that for it’s worth but Tasha’s parents? Steve’s? Tony has no idea what he’ll want from them. His mind is running through scenarios that make his stomach churn; what if Laufey kills one of them to show he’s serious? What if he _tortures_ them?

Tony glances over to where they’re seated against the opposite wall, Steve and Bucky are asleep, Bucky’s head on Steve’s shoulder. Natasha’s awake, winding a shoelace around her fingers endlessly. He crosses to sit down by her, their shoulders brushing. “I’m sorry,” he mutters meaningfully.

“It’s not your fault,” she says, eyes still fixed on the lace. “If this idiot hadn’t got himself kidnapped first we would have been fine,” she adds, nudging Bucky. Tony knows she’s only humoring him but he appreciates the effort. 

“He hasn’t killed Loki, you know,” she says when the silence stretches too long. “He won’t have. You saw how keen he is for money, Loki’s worth about the same as you. He wouldn’t pass up that opportunity.”

“Yeah,” Tony’s voice is a little raw. “Yeah, you’re right.” _I hope._

They sit quietly for a while and Tony thinks he might be nodding off when there’s the soft snick of the lock and then the door slides open softly and a lithe figure slithers in, closing the door quietly behind him. Tony stands and Natasha does too, it’s dark in the room so they can’t see the figure’s face until he takes a step forward.

“Loki,” Tony breathes.

Loki’s face is drawn, “Stark, you absolute _idiot_.” he hisses.

-

Loki runs until he can’t breathe, sinks down to his knees in some park or some field or _somewhere_ with stupid grass and stupid mud and stupid - _stupid_!

(“You _stole_ me!” he yells, voice raw, tears burning in his eyes. “You _stole_ me! I’m just a _trophy_. Just a way for you to get back at your stupid enemy! _You stole me_.”

His father’s face is calm, his eyes dull. “I _saved_ you.” he says quietly. “Loki, you are -”

Loki doesn’t want to hear it. _You are my son_ , but he’s _not_. He’s the son of a killer, the son of a _monster_ and oh, it all makes sense. Why he’s never felt right, why he’s never felt _whole_. Why he’s never been able to smile like Thor like there was nothing wrong in the world, like he was content, like he was _happy_.

He’s never been able to be happy.

He’s never been able to kill himself.

Because he’s not _right_.

“Don’t,” he says softly. “ _Don’t_.” His whole body is shaking and his mother is there, approaching with her hand reaching for him and - “DON’T!” he yells, stumbles away like a wild beast. If she touches him he’ll break, he’ll _shatter_.

She withdraws her hand with a soft noise of distress, presses it first to her breast and then to her mouth. 

“Why?” Loki whispers. “Why did you take me if it wasn’t for revenge?” because none of this makes any _sense_.)

He tears at the grass and he tears at himself - he just wants to _hurt_ , he just wants to - _Tony._ He wants - he _needs_.

He stumbles to his feet, his legs are like jelly, his head is pounding. 

(“You are _my son_.”)

He’s got to get to Tony. Tony makes _sense_. 

(“I broke into Laufey’s house during a party,” Odin says, eyes fixed on Loki’s. “We had intended to surprise him but things went wrong. In the chaos Laufey escaped, the police were on their way and as I was leaving I heard a baby crying. You were in a locked room, alone. I couldn’t let you go into the foster system, I had heard so many horror stories…”)

He’s heading to the treehouse, Tony will be there he’s sure. If only he’d stopped to grab his things…

He runs into Bucky and of course, it _had_ to be him, didn’t it? Loki doesn’t trust himself to talk without screaming and Bucky’s drunk (like _always_ ) and it’s all just so damn _pathetic_ that Loki wants break something.

(“I took you because I thought it was the right thing to do.”)

“He doesn’t want to see _you_ ,” Bucky sneers. “You don’t deserve him.”

(“Your mother had just suffered a miscarriage…”

“No,” Loki whispers. “Not _my_ mother.)

“Look at you, poor little rich kid. What happened now? Daddy wouldn’t buy you that car you wanted? Daddy was _mean_ to you? Poor little Loki. Didn’t get his own way.”

Loki wants to hurt him. Loki wants to break his stupid smug face. Loki want to tear him _bits_.

“You don’t know _anything_ ,” Bucky spits. “You have _no_ idea about real life, you spoilt little _brat_.” 

(“Loki,” Frigga says quietly, “Loki, please, we love you.”)

“Shut _up_ ,” Loki growls, “ _Shut up!_ ”

Bucky laughs. “That the best you can do? Tony doesn’t _want_ to see you, he’s seeing _me_ tonight. He’s got no time for _you_.” And his expression tells Loki _everything_. “Guess he’s getting over his little crush on you, huh?”

_No. He’s lying._

(“Loki, please, you have to understand, Laufey was a monster - ”)

He has to be lying.

(“ _Laufey_ was a monster? You _kidnapped_ me!” his voice is shrill now, hysterical, tears streaming unbidden down his face. “How many men did you kill that night, Odin? How many people did you kill the night before that? And before that? _You’re_ the monster here! You’re the monster and you _stole me_!”)

Tony wouldn’t -

But there’s no lie in Bucky’s smirk.

Loki backs away and Bucky’s laughing; it echoes through his mind. _He’s seeing me tonight_.

He breaks into a run.

Runs until he’s gasping for breath.

Falls into a heap and realises he’s run home.

He clambers into his car and drives. Drives until he runs out of gas on a bridge. Pounds on the steering wheel as his car rolls to a stop and _screams_.

-

He stands on the barrier separating the road from the sheer drop into the river, watches the dark waters cut a path down below. 

If he jumped he’d be dead in an instant.

And if he survived the fall he’d be smashed to pieces in the rapids. 

It’d be easy. Just a step. 

Just.

One. 

Step.

-

Loki hadn’t planned on seeing these people ever again, when he left it was meant to be for good. Damn Tony for following him here. _Damn him._

Natasha’s here too. And Steve and that idiot Bucky. 

_Damn. Damn. Damn._

Tony looks so stupidly happy, like he’s just won a...won whatever prize Tony Stark dreams about; Natasha though is frowning. She knows already that this isn’t going to be some heartfelt reunion. Loki purses his lips, “What are you doing here?”

It’s not that he hadn’t expected this, he’d left them that note after all, it’s that he hadn’t expected them _here_ like _this_. 

Tony smile vanishes, “No, the real question is what are _you_ doing here?” 

_I belong here,_ Loki thinks even if it’s not quite true. “No, Stark,” he snaps. “That doesn’t matter, I’m here because I _want_ to be here.”

By now the idiots against the wall have woken up. Bucky at least has the decency to look a little apologetic, Steve on the other hand is glaring at him, like this is _his_ fault. He didn’t _ask_ them to come running after him, did he?

Tony’s gaze has hardened, maybe he’s finally catching on, “We’re here to talk some sense into you.” He says, clenching his fists. “What _the hell_ are you thinking?”

Loki grits his teeth, “I’m thinking that I’d rather be here than back there with that… with that _kidnapper_.” _With that false family_. 

“This is _insane_ , Loki,” Tony says, “You have to see that, right? This man is _dangerous_.”

“So is Odin,” Loki snaps. 

“That’s _different_ ,” Tony insists. “What about your mother? What about Thor?”

“What about them?” _She knew and she did nothing._ “Thor is a moron and _Frigga_ is a weak-willed woman. She’s been ignoring my fa- _Odin’s_ work for _years_.”

Tony makes a low noise in his throat that sounds almost like a growl.

“He doesn’t love you, you know,” Natasha says, arms crossed, eyes cool. “He’ll keep you around and then he’ll ransom you off. You know that, right? He probably contacted Odin as soon as we got here. You’re a liability, Loki. It’s safer for him to get rid of you.”

Loki snarls at her, “What would _you_ know of it? None of you have any idea what this feels like! You don’t know what it’s like to not know where you come from, to have _everything_ change in one night!”

“I do,” Bucky says quietly, glowering at Loki. “I know what it’s like to not know where you’re from or who you belong with or who you _are_ , but you know what? You had a family from day one. Do you know how rare that is you spoilt little _brat_?”

Loki is _so_ ready to tear him a new one but then Tony’s speaking, eyes hard. “How _dare_ you,” he growls, “How _dare you_. You ran away because what? Daddy didn’t love you enough? So your dad wasn’t a great guy, so _what_? Did he ever _hurt_ you? Did he ever throw bottles at you because your mom left? Did he ever beat you with a belt for breaking a dish? Did he ever look you in the eye and tell you he’d be happier if you weren’t born? Clint’s dad does. Bruce’s dad does. Did you ever go hungry because your dad spent all his money on alcohol? No. Did your mom run out on you as soon as a better offer came along? No. And Thor, what did he do? So he was a little better liked than you, so _what_? They loved you Loki. You know it. We know it. And you know what? We love you to. So is that not enough, for some reason? Do you need more?” His voice breaks a little, he blinks hard. “‘Cos you’re not going to find that here.”

Loki stares at him for a long time. There was a time when he thought he might be in love with Tony, not that he’d know what _love_ felt like, but now he felt… nothing. He sighs and steps back towards the door. They're never going to understand.

“I can get you out of here,” he says. “Follow me.”


	13. Loki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "For what's its worth," Loki says softly while Bucky and Natasha are arguing loudly in Russian, "I'm sorry."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys, christmas(ish) update :D
> 
> i'm hoping to get this fic done within the next two weeks, there's only two more chapters to go so super grateful for everyone who's stuck with this fic for over a year now! 
> 
> anyway, as usual this is unbeta'd (i'll give it a read through next week hopefully) so apologies for any errors, enjoy and hope you guys have a good holiday :3

Loki walks to the nearest town, picks the shabbiest motel he can find and curls up on the bed. He's got money. He's kept a couple of hundred under the spare tire in his boot since the first time he ran away, back when he'd first got the car. He'd ended up stranded in some nowhere town when he'd run out of money for bus fare and had to find a police station to call his brother. Wasn't his best moment. Probably better than this one though. 

He shifts on the bed, tangles his fingers in the sheets and falls apart.

-

For a moment everyone just stares, Loki sighs, "Well? Are you coming or not?" And Tony seriously considers punching him in the face. 

"Right, because they're gonna let us walk out the front door," Natasha snarls.

Loki shoots her an amused glance, "Because we're gonna be using the front door. Moron." 

"This is a trap," Bucky mutters, "It's got to be a trap."

Tony thinks Bucky's probably right but right now Loki's their only chance (even if said chance is probably something like 0.07%.) "Loki, if you're lying about this I will _personally_ let Natasha beat you to death with your own legs."

Loki quirks and eyebrow and _smirks_ (damn him), "Well, do be sure not to strain yourself, Stark." He steps back, holds the door open and looks meaningfully at them. "No time like the present." 

Tony lets Natasha go first, because he's a _gentleman_. 

They make it as far as a backdoor, step out into the cold night air when a smiling man steps out from behind _a tree_ (because at some point Tony's life has become a really cliched thriller movie) and waves a gun in their face. Loki pales and the whole thing is really very uneventful. They're led back to the room and this time Loki's locked in with them and Bucky at least has the decency to wait until the man leaves before sniggering, "Way to go, Loki." He sneers. Loki glowers at him and sequesters himself in a corner, drawing his hood up to cover his eyes. 

"Well," Tony says, settling back down against the wall. "At least we got a chance to stretch our legs, right?" 

-

Loki wakes up to weak sunlight pouring through the cheap net curtains and the sound of the couple in the room next door having really, _really_ loud sex. He groans in disgust and gathers his things, pausing for a rust-filled shower before checking out. 

He should probably go home. Call Thor or Odin or maybe even Tony. Tony’d come get him and he wouldn't be wearing that disappointed look, either. He stops in front of a pay phone, coins jingling in his pocket and glares at it for a long time. They'll have found his car by now, he thinks. Probably made a few newspapers, maybe even the local news station, Odin probably _ensured_ that. 

He may as well wait it out. Make them come to him this time. 

He stands in front of the phone until a woman passing by asks if he's okay, if he wants her to call someone for him. He should probably find somewhere less conspicuous to figure out how this next chapter of his life should go. He assures the lady he's okay and wanders around until he finds the local library, it's quiet and no one will bother him. He sits by the computers, he knows this will all be traceable but he really doesn't care at this point. 

-

Bucky nudges him with his foot and Tony jerks. He wasn't sleeping, he really wasn't. And he _totally_ wasn't drooling. " _What_?" He hisses. He thought Bucky was asleep, Steve certainly is and Tasha maybe is, her eyes were closed and she looked sort of not terrifying. Loki certainly isn't, he's sitting too stiffly. 

"Your dad's like, super rich, right?" Bucky says, voice rough with sleep. 

Tony snorts, "Buck, we own a _Stark Industries_. You might have heard of it?" 

"That's what I _mean_. Doesn't your dad have a tracker or something in you somewhere? Like a chip or something?"

"He's not a dog, James," Natasha chastises softly, eyes still closed.

"I _know_ but..." 

Tony laughs, "No, Bucky, I don't have a tracker. At least, I don't _think_ I do. I'm insured against kidnapping though. If that's at all comforting."

Bucky mumbles something too quiet for Tony to hear and Tony stretches, looking over at Loki. He's angry and a little smug but Loki's still his friend, or whatever. And he did at least _try_ to get them out of there, which was honestly more than Tony had expected. He stood, a little unsteadily, and bit back a yawn. He crosses the room and drops down beside Loki, who humphs and mutters, "Come to gloat, Stark?" 

"I would _never_ ," Tony says. "Well, maybe a little. I mean running away to live with a very dangerous criminal you've never met wasn't your best idea." 

"It was going great until you morons turned up," Loki bites. 

"For a moment there I thought you were going to call us 'meddling kids,'" Tony says. 

" _Idiot_ ," Loki growls. "You fucked everything up, I told you not to follow me!" 

"Yeah, I can see how everything is going great for you, Lo."

"Shut _up_. He only did this because you turned up. They'll know I'm here now. He's got no choice but to send me back. Like Natasha said..."

Tony frowns, "Were you really happy here, Loki?" He asks quietly. 

Loki draws his knees back up to his chest, "I wasn't _un_ happy," he says quietly, "I mean, he really was happy to see me." 

-

Loki googles his father - his _real_ father - more out of boredom than anything else. He has to scroll through two pages of search results before he gets to the night Laufey was arrested, the night he supposes Odin kidnapped him. It had been a massacre, six dead, Laufey was the only one charged with anything and even then he only got a few years for having illegal firearms. The jury was too terrified to convict him of more. There wasn't anything about a kid though so Loki browsed around, found a site on British gang warfare which had a whole page about him. He was a conspiracy theory, a rumour. There were interviews with former gang members on both sides about the night he was taken, blurred photographs, sensationalist gossip. 

If people knew about this he'd probably be the subject of more intrigue than Stark. 

_He was really broken up about it, that’s why he pled guilty at the trial_ , Loki reads. _The baby was kept hush hush to try and keep him safe._

He wonders what his name would have been if he’d grown up with Laufey. 

There’s a picture of his father with a woman, her face is obscured by her hair, slightly blurred. She was facing away from the camera, hand raised in greeting for someone out of frame. His mother maybe. 

_They kept him unregistered_ , one of the statements says, _trying to keep him safe from Odin._

Loki clicks off the page and gathers his things.

Heads out to the main road and sticks out his thumb. 

He’s waiting almost two hours before a car stops, a young couple. The man smiles, “Where are you heading, kid?”

“New York,” Loki says.

“What’s in New York?” the woman asks, after he clambers in. They’re not going the whole way but it’s a start.

“My Dad,” Loki replies. “I haven’t seen him since I was little. I’m heading up to surprise him.”

-

Tony is still sitting beside him, annoyingly warm in this stupidly cold room. At least he’s being quiet unlike the two idiots snoring against the other wall. Loki draws his knees up to his chest and curses them all. Everything was _fine_ until they’d come. _Why_ did they insist on following him? He’d _told_ them to leave him alone. 

He sighs, "How did you guys get up here anyway?" 

“Borrowed Barney’s van,” Tony says, with a small smile. “It was not the easiest journey.”

Loki smiles despite himself, “How come?”

“Well, we had to leave Bruce and Clint back at Rhodey in case something like this happened for a start and the whole being held for ransom kind of sucks,” he says with a pointed look at Loki.

Loki bites back a snarl. “I didn’t ask you to come rescue me, Stark,” he reminds him.

“You kind of knew we would though, right?” 

Loki did know, that’s why he left the note at the motel. But he’s not going to say that.

Tony looks away after a moment or two, “No, Bucky and I had a falling out as well.”

Loki curls his lip. “I thought you and he were _the best of friends_.” (It’s childish, Loki knows. He knows how Tony feels somewhere at the back of his mind and Loki doesn’t - or maybe he does - he’s not sure but anyway, Tony is _his_. Should be _his_.)

Tony snorts, “Oh, come on, Loki. You know me and him weren’t anything beyond sex.”

“Careful, Stark,” Natasha interjects quietly (eyes still closed). “That’s my _brother_ you’re talking about. Just because Laufey won’t risk killing you doesn’t mean I won’t.”

“Sorry, Nat.”

Loki hides his smile this time. _Idiots._

“Has Rogers figured it out yet?” he asks, nodding to where he and Bucky are sort slumped over each other.

Loki can just about make out Tony’s blush, “I - uh - he - sort of? With help anyway.”

Loki smirks, “You _told_ him.”

Tony grins, “Yeah. I was angry. It was dumb.”

Loki doesn’t really want to know what got Tony that angry. “What about Natasha?” he asks, quieter now and Tony smiles, opens his mouth to reply when Natasha says, “What about _me_?” Eyes open this time, narrowed. 

“Nothing,” they say in unison and it’s so stupidly _normal_ that Loki wants to kick himself. Nothing about this situation is normal. He’s supposed to be _angry_ with them. 

“Better stay that way.” Natasha mutters, settling back down. 

“Her and Barton,” Tony hisses, after a few minutes, “I have no idea what’s going on there but they did share a bed once on this trip.”

Loki smiles again. _Dammit Stark,_ he thinks. 

“You know, if you were really happy here,” Tony says after the silence stretches too long. “Then I’m sorry. But we had to come after you, you get that right? You understand why?” He looks almost desperate and Loki has to look away. He’s _pleading_ and Loki _can’t_. He was happy here. Away from Odin. Where he belonged. He’s looking anywhere but Tony and his eyes fall on Natasha, Steve and Bucky. _Morons._ Rogers and Barnes hated him, he knew that much. Steve was only her out of loyalty to Thor - stupid, stupid, Thor - and Barnes was probably only there because of Steve. Natasha was only there to look after them all with that exasperated way of hers.

They weren’t there for him.

Stark was, but that was it. 

(But he remembers hating people with Natasha long before Tony was moved to their school, he remembers quiet talks with Bruce and Steve’s unrelenting kindness - Thor had made friends almost instantly when they moved, Loki hadn’t but Steve had never minded Loki tagging along, unlike Thor’s friends in England. Even Bucky had been fun every now and again, he’d never objected to sharing his drink or his drugs.)

Loki shakes his head, bites his tongue. “Yes,” he mutters quietly. “I understand.”

-

“Is there anyway out of here?” Natasha asks, it must be morning by now at least. There’s been nothing from Laufey, no food or water or toilet breaks (which Loki could _really_ use right now.) “Or do we have to wait?

They’re all looking to him like he’s about to reveal a secret trapdoor or something but he’s not sure he _wants_ to get out. If he does what then? Is he supposed to just go back to Odin and pretend nothing happened? 

"We're not getting out of here if Laufey doesn't want us too," he says eventually.

Bucky tuts like its Loki's fault, "So, we just have to wait for him to let us go? Will he even do that?" 

Loki's studied his father's methods, both of them and while kidnapping hasn't ever really come up before he's pretty certain how this'll go. "Do you want the truth?" He asks quietly. 

"Hell yes, we want the truth!" Tony says, frowning.

Loki sighs, "Laufey will contact Stark's father, Odin, and the media to say that he has us. He'll make a ridiculous demand that Stark's people will forbid him to pay and that your parents won't be able to afford. The FBI will get involved and they'll want proof which Laufey will give them. Then he'll turn nasty. He knows the police can't touch him and he won't care who he hurts. He'll leave Stark and I untouched but the rest of you..." he trails off.

"The rest of us what, Loki?" Steve prompts, eyes narrowed.

"If he doesn't get the amount he wants he'll hurt you. He might even kill one of you."

Steve closes his eyes, Bucky curses and Natasha hits the wall with an angry burst of Russian. 

"I knew we shouldn't have come," Bucky growls and for a moment Loki thinks Bucky might punch him but then Steve is pulling him backwards and Bucky's arm falls to his side. "Should've just let this idiot be." 

"Cool off," Steve says sternly and Bucky stalks to the other side of the room to kick at the wall. Steve turns back to Loki, "How sure are you that that'll happen?" 

"Fairly." 

He turns to Tony, "How much would your dad be willing to pay?" 

Tony shrugs, shaking his head, "Couple of million, maybe? I'm insured for like ten million so I guess that... It won't be up to him though, it'll have to go through the board and I don't know..." 

"So, we're fucked?" Bucky calls from the other side of the room.

"Basically," Tony mutters, rubbing at the back of his neck. 

They sit in silence after that, there's not much to do but wait. Tony decides to be an unrelenting presence at his side again, sitting quietly again, fidgeting occasionally. 

"For what's its worth," Loki says softly while Bucky and Natasha are arguing loudly in Russian, "I'm sorry."


	14. Everyone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed Steve's parents because I realised that if I want to write a sequel I want mama Rogers to be a bamf so I'll edit the earlier chapter sometime soon. This is honestly more of a filler chapter so yeah, not much happens, sorry guys >.

"Okay," Bruce says, finally sitting back down on the couch. "It's been way too long, we need to call the cops." He's clasping and un-clasping his hands nervously in his lap and Clint's pretty sure he's got no sleep for this entire trip.

It was always going to end like this, Clint thinks, well not like _this_ with half their group most probably kidnapped, but with police at least. He's not sure how it could have ended any _other_ way, if he's completely honest. Barney is going to be really upset if his van gets seized as evidence and he doesn't even want to think about how pissed his Mom'll be. 

"You want to do the honours?" He asks, pulling out his phone because he already knows Bruce'll say no (it's always polite to ask though.) 

Bruce shakes his head, worrying his bottom lip, "How can you be so calm?" 

Clint shrugs as he dials the number, "They're with Tasha. There's not really anyone I'd feel safer with."

-

The agent sitting opposite them has a ridiculous amount of dandruff on his shoulders and Thor has the overwhelming urge to brush it all off. 

They're on Stark's private jet, it's 4am and they've found his brother and his friends. 

His parents are arguing a little way off too quietly for Thor to hear but he already knows it's about Laufey, about how his father didn't tell his mother Laufey had been released. Thor's not really sure if it would have made any difference. Maybe they would have told Loki sooner, but he would have run still, Thor knows that now. It's just his brother's nature. He'd be angry too - is angry but he doesn't have time to think about that right now. 

Steve's mother is a few seats away from him, listening intently to agent explain about negotiation techniques and Laufey's demands. Her hair is caught up in a messy bun and she's still in the uniform from that god awful diner she works at. Her eyes are fierce though and Thor sees where Steve gets it from. Peggy's there too for some reason, right by her side. She catches Thor looking at them and flashes him a small smile. Thor tries to smile back, doesn't quite make it.

Howard Stark is there too, sat alone looking _wrecked_. It's strange, seeing him so undone, on tv and at the few galas Tony's dragged them all to he's always looked so prim and proper, not a hair out of place. Now, he's pale, worn, his shirt is rumpled and his hair is mussed.

He'd offered to pay it all, every million Laufey asked for but his company is still discussing it and the FBI aren't keen. 

"If we don't come across as strong then he'll just keep demanding more," the agent had said. "Your boys are valuable and he knows it." He doesn't talk about Steve or Bucky or Natasha much. All he said was that Laufey wouldn't be above hurting a hostage.

"So, shouldn't we be trying to get them out of there rather than wasting time negotiating?" Steve's mother had snapped and the agent had shifted uncomfortably and mumbled about not pandering to criminals. 

Clint's mother and brother are a few rows in front of him, they're meeting Clint and Bruce in New York. At least those two are free.

Thor feels a little guilty, he should've gone to find Loki, not sent his friends. He could have snuck past the police if he'd tried hard enough. ("They would have caught you," Jane had said, "That would have wasted time they could have been using to find Loki.") He really wishes Jane was here.

-

("Did Laufey hurt you?" Natasha hisses in his ear in Russian. 

His whole body hurts but he's not going to tell that. Not that she doesn't already know. He shakes his head and she rolls her eyes at him.)

-

"And you know this _how_ , Mr Barton?" 

Clint rolls his eyes and the officer sat in front of him gives him a pointed look until Clint's mother sighs loudly. He's under eighteen so she has to be present for his interrogation which is good because by the time they're done here she'll be more pissed at the police than at him. 

"Because as soon as the others left we followed them." He says, which is true. He and Bruce had held out a grand total of ten minutes before following the others.

"And you did this how?" 

Clint sees no point in lying because he's banking on the fact that the police will be too caught up in the kidnapping to bother charging him with anything. Besides, even if they do think about charging him he'll probably get brownie points for being honest and heroic and things. "We borrowed - "

" _Stole_ ," the officer mutters. Clint's mother cuffs him.

Clint narrows his eyes, "We _borrowed_ a car from the Rhodes family. We followed them to the house and waited around a whirl but they didn't come out."

"And you left at what time?"

"Around 7pm? I don't know exactly. We left after some rich lady banged on the window and told us the neighbourhood watch was against loitering or something." Clint wonders what she thinks about the fact that her nice neighbour was currently on the front page of every newspaper for kidnapping five kids.

"And once you left what did you do?"

"Went back to the Rhodes house."

"Where you were staying without their knowledge," the officer says, noting something down. "And why did you not call the police then?"

 _Because I'm a moron_ , Clint thinks.

-

Laufey's men drag him out of their little cell-room unceremoniously, in what Tony assumes is the early hours of the morning. It must be because as they drag him down the corridors he winces at the pale sunlight pouring through the windows. 

They sit him in another room, in front a table. There's a bowl of cereal and a glass of juice and Tony's never really been _lucky charms_ guy but he is _beyond_ hungry. He's slurping up the milk and trying to imagine Laufey pushing a shopping cart around and buying kids cereal when the man of the hour walks in and sits down opposite him and fucking _grins_. 

"So, Mr Stark, how are you enjoying your stay?" 

"The room service is rubbish," Tony says, meeting Laufey's dark stare. "Is this the part where you cut of my finger and send it to my dad? Because our mail gets screened. And even if you _did_ get it to him he'd probably just bill you for the table you damage."

Laufey chuckles, a low rumble. "No, Anthony, I won't be cutting off fingers just yet. Your father just requires more solid evidence that you are indeed in my custody."

"And that will involve...?" 

"Oh, you know, the classics, a photo of you with today's newspaper." Laufey waves and a man appears holding a paper and a Polaroid camera.

"Wow, I'm glad I merit the boss himself coming down to snap a few pictures of me," Tony mutters. "I hope you don't expect me to strip for you, Laufey, because that is strictly third date territory."

Laufey looks unimpressed, "Stark, I may not be willing to kill you but I am perfectly happy to send your _tongue_ to your father if that will help you keep quiet."

Tony shuts up pretty quickly after that.

-

"We're going to move you," Alexi announces, bursting into their room. "Split them up," he says chirpily to the men behind him. 

Loki doesn't bother arguing, he watches as the others band closer together, half in amusement, half in sorrow. He's led out last and just as they're reaching the backdoor Laufey appears, face stern. He looks at Loki for what feels like a very long time and then says, "You know I have to do this."

Loki bites his lip. He knows. _But..._ "Yeah, I know." He says, lump in his throat. This whole thing has been a disaster and part of him wants to run, go to the police and talk for hours about all he's seen at Laufey's and all the things he's learnt about Odin. Maybe he can get emancipated, just fuck off to Canada or somewhere where no one come running after him. Maybe he could even take Tony, at least so he wouldn't get himself kidnapped and ruin everything again. Moron. 

Laufey looks away, "You won't be harmed. Unless you try and run." He looks back, eyes dull and Loki's expecting a goodbye, at least a goodbye, but instead Laufey just shakes his head and walks away.

He thinks it should maybe feel worse than actually does. He keeps expecting to cry or something but all he feels is this bubbling rage because he'd gone through so much to get here - so _fucking much_ \- and it feels like Laufey had been waiting for this all along. He's so fucking pissed at everyone and everything that he feels like he's going to _break_. 

-

Thor's pacing. He and Clint and Bruce have been kicked out of the crisis room, or whatever the hell the agents are calling it. They're in the next room of the hotel they're holed up in. 

"Dude, could you please stop?" Clint snaps, "You're spazzing me out!"

"I just don't understand why we can't be in there! He's my _brother_!"

"They want to keep it small so they don't have any distractions," Bruce says calmly. Damn him for being so calm.

They're searching Laufey's house, they know Tony's alive at least. Laufey sent them a picture. They think he'll keep the others alive for a while at least and fuck, _fuck_ this is all so horribly real. 

Clint drums his hands on his knees, "I get that you're nervous but you're making me _twice_ as nervous and there is only so much one boys heart can take!"

Thor throws him an irritated glance and keeps pacing until Peggy bursts in, shaking her head and says, "They weren't there. They couldn't take Laufey into custody because they'd made a deal with him."

"So, what now?" Bruce asks, while Thor's still trying to process what she said.

"Laufey wants them to pay but they're still trying to negotiate with him so he's raised the ransom." 

"Fuck," Clint breaths, " _Fuck._ "

"But Stark said he'd pay it _all_ ," Thor snaps. "Why don't they just let him?"

Peggy sighs and strides in to perch on the edge of the bed beside Clint, "Apparently, Mr Stark isn't as wealthy as he'd have us believe. Most of his money goes into the company and so it was down to the board to vote on it."

"And they voted _no_? Jesus, I sense some mass firings coming up." Clint mutters.

"No, they voted to do as the FBI says," Peggy corrects him. "Mr Stark doesn't gave enough money on his own to pay it all off and I hardly imagine the Romanoff's or Steve's mother coming up with the rest." 

"I don't understand why they just don't let them _pay_ ," Thor says, running a hand through his hair. "He could _kill_ them."

-

Natasha is bundled into a four by four with tinted windows by a stern man with a pistol at his hip. "This doesn't have to be painful," he tells her as they pull away from the curb. Her hands are zip-tied together, ankles too. It's 9am, or there abouts, and driving anywhere in New York at this time is, in Natasha's opinion, really fucking stupid. The cars going so slowly that if she could get through she could be out of the car and safe within a few seconds. Unfortunately, she doesn't have the room she needs to free her hands. Yet, anyway.

"Where are you taking me?" She asks, "I heard the news as you marched us out, Stark said he'd pay."

"The Feds won't take it," her driver rumbles. "Fucking pricks. You're going to a safe house." He glanced at her in the rear view mirror, "I'm sorry you kids got mixed up in this, you know. I hope it doesn't get bloody."

Natasha cocks her head, "And if it does?"

"Don't worry. You'll be one of the last to go, the boss likes you." He says, like it's supposed to make her feel better. 

Natasha wants to tell him that she won't be letting that happen but she'd rather not converse with a man who's kidnapping her. Or aiding in her kidnapping. 

It takes them almost two hours to get to the safe house, a drive that by Natasha's reckoning should have taken twenty minutes. At least the driver had stopped for bagels.

They park round the back of a small row of shops and Natasha is led to a flat above a laundrette and pushed into another small locked room. "It's soundproof," the driver says. "So scream all you want, though, I'd rather you didn't. My associate will be arriving soon with another of your little friends and he _really_ doesn't like noise." 

Natasha glares at him and he shakes his head before slamming the door. Natasha sits down as she hears the snick of the lock. She's in there for about ten minutes when the door swings open again and a very grumpy man with a broken nose shoves Steve in with a disgusted groan.

Steve has a black eye and a triumphant smirk, he's also shivering fairly dramatically. Natasha looks him up and down and arches an eyebrow.

"I punched one of the guys who was driving me so they threw me in the back of the truck," he explains.

"You're shivering."

"It was a refrigerated truck," he adds, rubbing his arms with increasingly desperate moments.

She rolls her eyes and opens her arms, "Just so we're clear this isn't a hug. It's just to keep you warm." 

"I know," he tells her, smiling gratefully. When he's stopped shivering quite so violently they break apart and sit down, backs against the wall. "How long do you think they'll keep us here?" Steve asks and Natasha knows that he's probably heard all about how their negotiations are going on the car radio or seen it on news stands on the drive over. He's probably just trying to distract her a little.

"They'll probably move us around a lot while they're negotiating." She says, drawing her knees up to her chest. She sighs, "Do you think maybe we should have just left Loki to his own devices?"

Steve huffs, "Maybe. There's no way we would've talked Tony out of going to find him though. Would you really have let him go running off on his own? That kid's a mess." 

Natasha smiles despite it all, "I suppose you're right."


End file.
